Razor's Edge
by Failure Turtle
Summary: COMPLETE. A series of Edge's uncensored rants about every single Superstar on the WWE roster. The final victim: JOHN CENA. Rated T for language.
1. There's No Such Thing As A Hero

**A/N: Most of you whom follow my writings know that I do not dwell into the humor regions of the world. I prefer angst, heartbreak, and tragedy. Well, here is a muse I've been fighting for about twelve hours now, and I must write this. It is a nice little Edge-centric fic. I am a **_**huge**_ **Edgehead. In this fic, Edge will be revealing his true thoughts on all the Superstars, IN CHARACTER. Edge is IN CHARACTER for this piece. Happy readings. Today is Guy Fawkes Day.**

**These are none of my true feelings about these Superstars. It is just something Edge would say, meant purely for enjoyment.**

What sort of idiot would let me sit down and talk about every single Superstar on the WWE roster? This can only make my image of a badass look better, you scum. Who shall my first victim be? Oh, you _want_ me to say John Cena, don't you? The man who can do no wrong, Super Cena! Well, I am not yet giving you the pleasure of reading my true thoughts on John Cena just yet.

I'm going to make my first victim another one of your little childhood favorites, Rey Mysterio.

Why do you little jerks insist on liking him? I mean, come on. He's about the size of a five year old, so I guess that makes sense. I guess you kids _like_ watching someone your size get killed each and every week. I love seeing the faces of the kids when Rey Mysterio gets put in Khali's vice grip. It's hilarious! The kids pound on the ground, and they actually think he's going to get out of it. I think that's great entertainment, at least for me. Kids, you need to learn that there's no such thing as a damn hero. No one's going to fly out wearing a little cape or anything and kill the monsters in your closet. If there's no one wearing a cape, do you honestly think that a little rat in a mask is going to slay the dragon Khali? How about not. I'm teaching you kids a valuable lesson, here. There is no such thing as a hero. They bad guys always win.

And if there are any five year olds out here reading this, there's no Santa Clause, either.

Do you understand why guys like me enjoy fighting noobs like Rey Mysterio? It's because he's small. You might think he's the underdog going into the match, which is true. He uses his size to gain the sympathy of you ass clowns. He uses that overdone underdog story to make you think he's going to pull through. Wake up call, he's not.

The reason I love to fight Rey is that it's so easy to put moves on him. Kids think that because he's small, he's going to be faster. Let me pose this question to you: Which is going to hit you faster and harder, a Spear or the lame 619? How about we try that theory on one of you little jerk offs and see how powerful you think Rey Mysterio is then. Truth is, he's not that fast. To make matter easier for guys like me, it's so much easier to put the big boot in his face. I don't have to lift my foot as high. It hurts him and it doesn't make me work as hard. The easier it is for me to beat the crap out a loser, the happier I am.

How the hell did he win the Royal Rumble? That's ridiculous. Thanks, Randy Orton. You just gave all the kids another excuse to think that Rey is the greatest underdog in history. Jackass.

And don't get me started on his little World Heavyweight Championship reign at Wrestlemania 22. Are you kidding me? It's another example of how he uses pity in his favor. He _lost_ his championship match opportunity to Randy Orton. Teddy Long felt sorry for the jerk, so he tossed him in the match. I still can't believe he won. He needed Randy Orton and Kurt Angle to beat each other up so he could score the victory. He does not deserve to hold _my_ title on the grandest stage of them all.

That jerk isn't even a heavyweight! He shouldn't even be allowed to compete for that title. What does he weigh, like 150? That's ridiculous. That kid's gold is the Cruiserweight title, not _my_ World Heavyweight Championship. It disgusts me that I've held the same championship as Rey. He should just go back to the Cruiserweight division where he belongs.

Here he is, again, putting false ideas into the heads of young kids everywhere. He's telling kids that jerks their size can come out and compete with the big boys. Hey, if any five year old challenged me like that, I'd certainly teach them a lesson.

The bottom line is that Rey Mysterio sucks. He will never be up to the caliber like the ol' Edgemeister here. One of these days, my big boot is going to knock his damn face off.

**A/N: Okay, so when you review, tell me who you want Edge to bash next. Don't say John Cena. I'm saving him for last. And don't fret, he will bash the bad guys, too. Next chapter for sure: Ol' Tripsy.**


	2. I Do Not Wish To Suck It

**A/N: Yes, the chapter dedicated to little Triple H is here. This is going to be fun.**

Triple H? TRIPLE H? Oh, you've got to be kidding me on this one. The greatest moment in Triple H's career didn't even involve him. It was when he had the pleasure of having me imitating him with Randy Orton. That was great. The hardest part of that costume was finding a fake nose that was big enough to match that horrendous beak on the face of ol' H. I still don't think that one was big enough. I like to throw crackers a Triple H and call him "Polly" because the looks like a fucking parrot with that thing.

And because of Triple H, John Cena had the only halfway decent moment of his career. The only time I've had an ounce of liking, not respect, for John Cena was when he bitch slapped him in the ring. It was awesome because it caused tension between them since they were teaming up against me that night. Unfortunately, they ended up working together and I lost that match, but that's not the important part. Triple H can't beat me on his own. He needed Super Cena to help him out, and they still barely won.

The only reason he is now the eleven time champion is because he married Stephanie McMahon. How lame is that? He totally married her for her money that she didn't even earn herself. He gets all the fame for doing nothing. _I _worked hard to get where I am. Have you not read my autobiography, Adam Copeland on Edge? I didn't get with some whore because her daddy ran a multimillion dollar corporation. It makes me sick.

Triple H wins the Suck Award for the worst use of a foreign object in the ring. _I_ made up the con-chair-to. At least I used the steel chair in an original manner. When I pick up a chair, the fans know what's coming. They don't need to cheer about it. Hell, I'd rather have them not cheer. That's all Triple H has going for him. He has no talent. The only way he can win a match is if he brings in _the equalizer_. Who the fuck names a sledgehammer? Well, I know of a sledgehammer that _I've_ named, and let me tell you, my sledgehammer has knocked out more chicks than Triple H's ever has. When Triple H pulls out that sledgehammer, I just want to grab it from him and snap it over my knee. I bet it would break like _that_. All he has is the sledgehammer! Triple H has no originality whatsoever. At least when I grab a weapon, you'll never know how I'll use it. That's why I'm so much more dangerous than every single superstar on any WWE roster. You have to watch yourself from all angles to make sure that I'm not coming. Too bad, because I always do.

D-Generation X. Please. That is the worst stable to ever exist. I don't understand them. They claim not to be gay, but they run around telling men to "Suck it." No, thank you. What image does that send to children? That it's okay to purposefully attract attention to your nether regions? That's horrendous. The youth of America is corrupt enough. We don't need grown men flaunting themselves, or at least what little they have. Let me tell you, we would have none of _that_ in Canada. You know why they call themselves DX? It's because those are the only two letters of the alphabet they know.

What kind of uncivilized human spits water in the air? Do you really want someone with that level of immaturity leading your company? Of course society is going to blame wrestling for kids being idiots when the WWE lets nimrods like Triple H run amuck. I'd like to set the old Toronto Blue Jays on him with some baseball bats. Either that or a bunch of drunk Canadians with hockey sticks forming a mob and beating him senseless. Of course, I'd be leading that mob, video taping the whole thing.

I am not ready, Triple H, nor do I wish to "suck it."

**A/N: **_**Every**_** Superstar will get their turn at this, don't worry. That includes the Divas.**

**Next victim (just to get him out of the way): Cody Rhodes.**

**Vote for the first Diva to get bashed. Vote for either Beth Phoenix, Melina, or Maria.**

**Review.**


	3. Daddy's Little Angel

**A/N: If there is ever a chapter in here to prove that these are not my true feelings, this is it. I am about to write about Edge bashing Cody Rhodes. This is horrible, but it must be done.**

Cody Rhodes is a joke. If he's not careful, he's going to be the next John Cena, and that's not a compliment. Well, at least Cody has some distinguishable amount of talent that he got from his father, which is far more talent than Cena will ever have. But this is not about Cena, so I'll continue on Cody. When I say that he's going to be the next Cena, I mean that the only recognition he's going to get in a couple years is from the ten year olds who think he's _so cute_. Sickening. After his dad croaks it and he's no longer associated with his Hall of Fame daddy, his looks are all he's going to have to fall back on.

He is such a pretty boy who is way out of his league. What kind of idiot debuts in the WWE challenging Randy Orton? Does he think that by challenging the youngest world champion that he'll somehow take that record from Orton? I'm not defending that jackass Orton by any means, but at least he knows his place. Cody just seems to like to shove his nose all over the WWE. Go home, kid.

What is all this bullshit about him going around looking for respect? That's the most pussy move I've ever heard of in my life. Let me tell you, the "R" in "Rated-R Superstar" certainly does _not_ stand for respect. Why would you look for respect when you can just go around kicking everyone's asses for the fun of it? You don't have to prove yourself to anyone to get far in the WWE. You just have to be smart. Is he trying to sound like Cena with that respect crap? Revolting.

Nothing is worse than someone who feeds off of another person's glory. Why do you think I ditched Orton? It's the same with Cody. The only reason he's even around here is because his daddy is tight with the company. What ever happened to working for your spot? Since when are connections the way to go? I thought people only used connections for hookers and drugs.

If you want to make a name for yourself, Cody is doing it in the wrong way. Who the hell aligns themselves with Hardcore Holly? The guy is ancient. He should have known that wrestling was too hardcore for him when he got that huge gash on his back in ECW. And I'll tell you something, there is no such thing as a straight man who calls himself hardcore. Cody, you better be careful and make sure not to turn your back to Holly, if you know what I'm saying. Well, there _was_ that rumor going around that young Cody was gay. Maybe that was right. The kid is too damn pretty to be straight. _I'm_ the only good looking straight guy in that locker room.

When I get my chance, I am going to spear Cody right out of the ring and only his daddy will come to save him. All the little girls will be too busy crying their eyes out to see how badly Cody will be hurt. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to laugh in all their faces. If I see a little rat with a stupid "I love Cody" sign, I'll rip it right from their hands, shove it in Cody's face and then shred it to pieces. That's the kind of fun I enjoy. It's like taking candy from a baby, and Cody is pretty much a baby. How old is he anyways, like thirteen? Oh, he's twenty-two? He looks like he's ten.

Cody doesn't even look like a wrestler. He looks like one of those obnoxious Abercrombie models. That's disgusting. Hey kid, if you want to be a wrestler, I think you need to spend a bit more time in the weight room.

If Cody even _thinks_ about trying to earn my respect, he's going to earn one swift spear that will knock him into last week. He'll go crying to his daddy about how mean Edge was. If Dusty even tries to say anything to me about it, I'll spear his old ass, too.

**A/N: I hate bashing Cody. And he kicked ass on RAW.**

**Okay, Melina is the next chapter.**

**Who should be fifth: Randy Orton or Batista?**


	4. Nobody Wants Her Candy

**A/N: I must say that I've been looking forward to bashing Melina. It will take away the mounds of stress I've accumulated after making fun of Cody. And I'm supposed to be researching for a paper right now. Fuck that.**

Melina sucks, plain and simple. Hey, DX, I bet if you told her to "suck it," she'd do it. I know what you're thinking. _Melina's not a whore_. Um, yes. She is. This is why. Melina does the splits when she gets in the ring. If that's not the mark of a slut, I don't know what is. And you people called Lita a whore when she was here? You people disgust me. That is the most outrageous thing I've ever heard, and I've heard some pretty obscene things in my time. How can you compare Lita to a whore when you've got Melina running around? At least Lita didn't open her legs to the world whenever she got in the ring. Hey Melina, no one wants to see your underwear. I know I sure don't. Again, we'd have none of _that_ running around in Canada. I feel embarrassed for my country whenever we're there to visit and that little piece of trash is running around. I am so glad that Lita never had to tag with her. People talk about Lita having diseases…Well, if that were true, I'd have them, too. I sure don't. Would you like to check?

That primal scream is the most unappetizing sound in the world. I'd rather hear nails on a chalkboard. Hell, I'd rather hear John Cena try to rap, and that's saying something. Why does she even do that? Her outfits are pretty much loud enough that we can see her from miles away, but she wants us to hear her, too? I've almost come to the point where I must bring earplugs with me whenever I know Melina is going to be around. Why doesn't someone stuff a sock in her when she yells? Where the hell is Mick Foley when you need him? That's probably the only useful thing Mick can be used for, so let's make use of it. I know something else I'd like to stick in her mouth when she yells, but then I'd be like DX, and that's never a good thing. I wish Lita would've injured Melina's voice box or something.

Another reason Melina sucks: Who the hell would date Johnny Nitro? I refuse to call him Morrison. He will _always_ be Nitro. But, my bashings of Nitro will come in due time, my little Edgeheads. Who would associate themselves with Mercury? The best moment of his career was when Jeff Hardy busted his face open. That was great television. He had to run around looking like Jason for a while after. That's great. Why would someone be a part of a tag team named after a crappy candy? Why was Melina even acknowledged in the tag team? As much as I hate Nitro and Mercury (who have crappy names by the way), at least they did something. What did Melina do? That's right, nothing.

Here's another "Melina is a whore" statement. She threw herself at Batista so he wouldn't kick the crap out of her boys. Lita never threw herself at anyone. Kane? Matt Hardy? I will bash them at a later time. They don't count. Yes, I've pimped out Lita before; I've even admitted to it in _WWE Magazine_. Pimping her out doesn't make her a whore. It's called business. At least I got paid for Lita doing that stuff. Melina is just a whore. She doesn't get paid, and she cheats on her boyfriend without his consent. I find it funny that Batista just shook her off. She must have sucked. If she was good, Batista would've done what she said to keep getting more from her in the future. Or maybe Batista is just an idiot and didn't know he could do that. Again, I'm proving that I'm smarter than all the other nimrods in the back.

How did Melina even win the Women's Championship? How did she even get a shot? Did she fuck Cena, too, and he got her a shot? What the hell. That's insulting. She is holding the same title that Lita held. Melina's ring skills don't even compare to Lita's. However, Melina might just have a bit more talent that John Cena. Just a bit.

My next victim?

**A/N: At the time of me starting this, Randy Orton and Batista were tied in your votes. Close to me finishing, someone voted Orton. Randy is next! And then I think Batista shall be after him. Don't ask for Kane, Matt Hardy, or Cena. I know exactly where I'm putting them already.**


	5. He's Totally Gay For Cena

**A/N: So, someone decided to even the score after I already said that it was going to be Randy. I am a huge Randy Orton fan, but this is going to be hil-fucking-larious.**

I was wondering when you fuckbags were going to ask me about my _former_ tag team partner, Randy Orton. There are so many things I could say about him.

Let's start on his wife.

Do you guys know how he met her? Well, I'm going to tell you. He met her at a bar. First strike. You _never_ meet a decent woman at a bar. They all have their beer goggles on and they regret everything the next day. And then do you know what he did? He asked her for her number! Second strike. You let the women come to you. I pride myself in never having to ask a woman for her number. They all come to the Edgemeister, here. She gave him the number, of course. I don't know _why_, but women seem to throw themselves at Randy. WHY? Anyways, she told him that he had to memorize her number if he wanted it. He did. STRIKE THREE, RANDY! Why would you waste your time on one woman when you could have about six thousand more? Randy made the biggest mistake of his life when he called that woman. Hell, I didn't even know Randy was smart enough to remember all seven digits. Randy can barely remember half the moves he does in the ring. Why do you think he only does headlocks? Have you seen his wife? She looks like a fourteen year old teeny bopper. When Randy walks around with her, he looks like a fucking pedophile. I think he's going to get arrested one night when he's out with her, and that thought makes me laugh.

Randy Orton was the reason that Rated-RKO didn't work out. He couldn't handle the fact that I was definitely the leader. Hello? "Rated" came before "RKO." He is the reason that there was all that tension between us. I thought we were on the same page about taking down DX. I was totally cool with actually working with someone for once to achieve a common goal. But _Randy_ on the other hand had other ideas. I think Randy may have wanted to suck it. He's just like that little rat, Cody. He's too much of a pretty boy. If someone even so much as touches his face, he cries like a little bitch. It makes me want to hit him right in the face with a steel chair even more.

There was a moment during our run with Rated-RKO where DX actually did something amusing, and it made fun of Randy. I'll say it now, anyone who makes fun of someone so I don't have to certainly makes my job a lot easier. It was when they said that Randy Orton was the most downloaded WWE Superstar in the gay community. That was quality entertainment. And did you see the look on Randy's face? It wasn't one of fear or disgust. I think he actually enjoyed having his revolting pictures shown to the world. I was in the ring when I saw those pictures show on the titantron, and I remember having to choke back some puke. Why would two supposedly straight men search for Randy Orton in the gay community, and then take those pictures? DX, you never cease to suck.

I still don't understand why Randy Orton was the youngest champion in history. Didn't he only have the title for like a month? And they call _me_ a transitional champion? Well, of course I'm going to lose the title to John Cena because that's the way of the world, apparently. Cena _always_ gets what he wants because he's Vince's little lap dog.

I think Randy Orton might be gay. No, I'm almost positive that Randy Orton is gay. I like to sing to his little theme song, and it goes like this:

_Hey!_

_Randy Orton's gay!_

_He likes to get it up the ass!_

Not only do I think he's gay, I think he's gay for Cena. Did you see how excited he was when he was named number one contender? That meant he got to touch Cena some more.

Randy Orton sucks. He is a flaming homosexual with horrible taste in men.

**A/N: I think that Batista shall be next.**

**Vote for chapter seven: Umaga vs. Khali**


	6. Stick Him In A Cage So I Can Laugh

**A/N: It has come to my attention that a few of you, or many of you, are finding yourselves offended when reading this story. I must say that I apologize, but that's kind of the point of the story. It's what Edge does, and he's the person I'm attempting to portray. I've stated numerous times that these, mostly, are not my thoughts on the Superstars. Think Edge, here, people. Here's a rant about Batista.**

If Batista wants to call himself "The Animal," let's stick him in a cage like any other ordinary animal. I'd go up to his cage like I was at the zoo and poke him with a long stick and throw pebbles at him for my enjoyment. I think I know why he calls himself that. He looks like one of those escaped animals from a drug testing facility that ran into some bad radioactive waste. I mean, look at the guy. His back muscles are abnormally large. He looks like a fucking horse.

I've already touched on his relationship with Melina in her bashing. Who the hell would actually admit to fucking that? If I ever came close to admitting something like that, I'd say I was shit-faced at the very least. I think that point ruined Batista's book, even though it could never compare to my book, Adam Copeland on Edge.

Batista's book sucked. I looked at the first page and wanted to puke. The rest I've learned about the book I found out from other people or the internet. That way, even if what it says on the internet was false, I can still pretend it's true and take the shit out of Batista. He pretends to be this awesome guy in the ring, but I've heard that he just totally makes himself to be an asshole in the book. Don't even bother reading it. Pick up my book, instead. _That_ is a piece of literary mastery, right there. Who wouldn't want to read a book about the ol' Edgemeister? I'm a fucking genius. I promise, you scumbags will raise your IQ at least three points after reading my book. It should be a staple in all schools across Canada.

What is up with Batista's entrance? Does he think he's more gangster by pretending to shoot off a machine gun? Does he think he's Rambo or something? Rambo sucks, but definitely not as much as Batista. I don't know what Batista pretends to be, but he is probably almost as white as John Cena. That guy spends obscene amounts of money on horrendous suits to wear while he bores you nimrods with terrible speeches about the Undertaker. Boring. If Batista was as hardcore as he says he is, he would be kicking ass in the ring, not talking about his lame accomplishments.

That's another thing I have over Batista. I've _pinned_ the Undertaker to win the World Heavyweight Championship. Has Batista done that? Not that I can remember, but if he did, it probably wasn't that impressive. At least people _remember_ what I've done. I know what you little ass hats are going to say: _You cheated, Edge, you big meanie. You waited to cash in your Money in the Bank opportunity until the champion was hurt._ You're right, for once. I am a big meanie, and I could care less about what you have to say about it. You tune in and watch me, so I think you're the dumbass in that scenario. And congratulations, two right statements in one thought. Whoever said that must have been the only non-Edge fan in Canada. I did wait until the Undertaker was fatigued after his cage match with Batista, _which he lost!_ It's called being smart. Nowhere in that contract did it say that I had to make sure I was on a level playing field, here. You all know that you would've done the same thing if you were me. But, alas, you're not me which means you just suck more than I do. Sorry. I took down Undertaker the same way I took down your fag, Cena. I love myself for that, even more than I already did.

Batista can go cry about how I "stole" his rivalry with the Undertaker because I credit myself with taking Undertaker out. Because of me, Batista lost his main event status. The more jerks I make unhappy, the greater my career is. I love doing that kind of underhanded stuff. No one sees it coming, and it makes my life more fun. I love the thrills of it. Thank you, Batista, for making my life happier.

**A/N: I love you guys. As I was sitting here writing this, I got five reviews. Do you know how long it took me to get forty reviews on my other story ****The Champion and the Diva****? And that story is sixty chapters long!**

**Because of x.ExtremeVixen.x, my next target is Khali. I'm warning you now that I despise Khali.**

**Chapter 8 is already Shannon Moore. I have most of the chapters planned out, but I think I'm making some changes. Chapter 9, due to popular demand, will be John Morrison, and it was originally planned to be the loser of Khali/Umaga.**


	7. What Is A Punjabi?

**A/N: I hate Khali. I've never met anyone who actually likes the guy. I really hate Khali.**

What the fuck is a Punjabi? I've never heard of such nonsense before in my life. They call Khali the Punjabi nightmare, but if I don't know what the hell a Punjabi is, how the fuck am I supposed to have nightmares about it? Khali is terrible. He's just another case of some huge guy who got in the WWE based on size, not skill. Hello, John Cena.

I know you're all thinking about the draft when I BEAT JOHN CENA and Khali ended up getting sent to _my_ show. Yeah, when I found out Khali was coming, I did look scared. I noticed that when I saw the tape of it later. Do you scumbags even know why I looked like that? It's because my left leg went numb after the match. I think Cena gave me some sort of disease or something. I am _not_ scared of Khali. Khali is one ugly mother fucker, but I have to see ugly guys all the time. Hey, another Cena reference. I love when I can kill two birds with one stone like that.

Khali can't even speak decent English! He needs a fucking translator to do everything for him! If you take away what's his face, then Khali can't even contend for anything because he can't communicate with us. All he does is do that stupid hand chop. Please. I may not be able to big boot his ugly face in, but my boot can reach a more important spot on him, and I'm not afraid to do it.

I'd hate to see Khali's sister. Hell, I'd hate to see his _mother_. I feel bad for the lady. She must be pretty ugly. I mean, if you spawn _that_…I don't know what the views on capital punishment are over in Punjabi-land, but I think they should have put the lady to sleep if she even _thought_ about reproducing.

Somehow, Khali has a hot wife. What the hell was she thinking? Hey, lady, I'm available.

Khali brought over the worst stipulation match ever: the Punjabi Prison match. That match sucks. It's not even cool, and incredibly boring. That's why we have cage matches, dumb fuck. And of course, Khali bailed on that match. And of course, management was stupid enough to make that match again even though they knew that it sucked. No one liked it. No one ever wanted to see that match again. Oh, and Khali lost. He lost his own damn match in his first go. HA!

I think Khali needs a haircut. I am the only superstar in back who can properly rock the long hair.

I think the ultimate gay bash would be a triple threat Khali, Umaga, and John Cena. Actually, throw Randy Orton in there and it can be a fatal four fuck way. It would be scary, though.

When Khali looks at me, I see his eyes all bug out. What the hell? Is he stunned by my charisma and boyish charm?

I want to set Khali loose in Canada. I bet he'd tear through all of our maple syrup in like an hour, that fat fuck. It scares me to know that a man like Khali is allowed to run around the world unattended. Aren't you afraid he's going to eat your children? I feel like sending all of Canada's forest rangers out on him with tranquilizer guns. After he was put down, I'd shave his head and draw interesting things on him with a permanent marker. It would be great since he's so big, I'd have a lot of space to work with.

I'm thinking an arrow on his back pointing down to his ass that says "Insert Cena Here."

I think I'm going to dress up like Khali for Halloween next year. That will scare all the little kiddies away from my house. But Khali just might not be "Rated-R" enough for me to impersonate. It is a privilege for you to be imitated by me, you hear that, Tripsy?

What the fuck is up with his ring gear? Those pants are ridiculously baggy. Is he trying to be like the genie from _Aladdin_? That genie sucked, and so does Khali.

Tell me again, _how_ did he get a movie role? I wouldn't have even paid a penny to see that film. Adam Sandler, you officially suck for this. Wouldn't the world rather see a movie starring the Rated-R Superstar? I've made a few movies in my time, but they were all rated somewhere towards the very end of the alphabet, if you know what I'm saying.

I'm going to finish this off with a line put so that even Khali can understand.

Khali! Yoahfajnccriuhfs nnaurcnaca UUUUMMMMAAAAAGAAAA akdbaf JOHHHNNNNN CENNNAAA akujaerhfalfk RANNDYYY ORTONNNNN!

In English, Khali wants Umaga, John Cena, and Randy Orton in bed.

**A/N: Chapter 8: Shannon Moore. I like Shannon, though…**


	8. The Next Hitler

**A/N: Here is my usual disclaimer about my feelings on the Superstar. I like Shannon Moore. I just don't watch SmackDown very often.**

Shannon Moore _is_ a reject. I just don't see why he needed to advertise it to the world. I realize that being a reject is no longer his gimmick, but it will always be his personality. I'll give Shannon his due; at least he accepted the fact that he was a loser. Cena, maybe you should take a page out of Shannon's book.

Shannon Moore is just one of the Hardy's minions, and that really isn't saying much. The Hardy's suck, so clearly their minions are going to suck even more. The Hardy's know they can't make their image look good on their own, so they hire untalented scum like Moore to hang with them. Moore is so bad that he can only make the Hardy's look better. It's shameful that the Hardy's must resort to such defamation of character like that.

Where does Shannon Moore get off by opening his own tattoo parlor? Everyone knows that the tattoos are my thing. Has he not seen the slogan on my shirt: Crude, Lewd, and Tattooed? I should kick his ass right now for that. Shannon thinks that it will make him look harder if he has a tremendous amount of tattoos. Let's see, other pussy Superstars with too many tattoos: CM Punk, Batista, Randy Orton, Balls Mahoney, and Jeff Hardy. Is that really the crowd that Shannon wants to run with? I still can't believe he named his shop "Gas Chamber Ink." He says it's because he likes capital punishment and the gas chamber is one of his favorites. Now, I'm not Jewish, but Shannon, are you going to go Hitler on my ass? That's horrific! You're an American, damnit! Even people with my Canadian blood cannot believe that discrepancy. What kind of human being living in the twenty-first century gets off by enjoying gassing people? And you people think _I'm_ revolting.

You know what? Does Shannon Moore even have any merchandise on Didn't think so. It's because no one would buy it.

He should have stayed in ECW. By coming to SmackDown, Shannon has easily made himself another target for myself. Too bad he got rid of that terrible Mohawk. Carlito officially has no more competition for the worst hairstyle ever. Good going, Shannon. You totally ruined a good backstage joke for me. I hate you.

Is it just me, or does Shannon Moore not only look like a rat, but he's about the size of one, too? Yeah, that sounds right. What's with all of these tiny shit heads running around my ring? (Edge throws his arms up in disgust). This is preposterous!

Please, give me someone worthwhile to rant about. Honestly.

**A/N: Yeah, a short one. I ran out of ideas for him. All of the lesser known guys will probably have short chapters like this.**

**  
Next up: John Morrison. I hate that guy.**


	9. The Man Has No Penis

**A/N: I wasn't really looking forward to writing this chapter, nor was it meant to come this early in the story. This is the bashing of John Morrison. I really don't like this guy.**

John Morrison should have stayed as Johnny Nitro. I'm not saying that he was better as Nitro, because he sucks either way. Morrison isn't even his birth name like he told you. If you're going to make a name for yourself, you should freaking keep it. At least Nitro was a damn character. When he turned to Morrison, he turned into a fucking pussy. He doesn't have his chick or his tag team partner to protect him from.

The "shaman of sexy?" Hell the fuck no! That is the worst use of alliteration I've ever heard of. At least "The Rated-R Superstar" has a ring to it. The "shaman of sexy" is just ridiculous. He looks like a fucking dog with that face. His hair is horrible, too. I mean, sure, at least now it's a decent color instead of that puke color he had as Nitro. The feathered look is outrageous. The seventies were almost forty years ago, dude.

Ric Flair (when he was good) called. He wants his hair back.

I hate when he does his little entrance and he thinks that he's going in slow motion. What the fuck is that? It's bad enough when we have to see you in real time, but then you put us through seeing you in slow motion. I think I'm going to invade the production truck the next time ECW is on. When Morrison comes out and he does his slow motion bullshit, I'm going to insert a sound effect. It's going to be one, long slow motion sound of PUKING!

His entrance theme is terrible. At least people recognize my song when they hear it. I don't even know if you can consider Morrison's theme as an actual song. It just doesn't make sense. I can barely hear it because Morrison's pants are too loud. What kind of self-respecting male wears fucking fuzzy leg warmers? Not even I would consider putting those on even if it was the harshest winter in Canada.

This is how I know Morrison does not have a penis: No man could ever fit into pants that tight, no matter how small he is down there. That's just insulting to the male anatomy. Damn. Those aren't even remotely attractive pants. He picks ridiculous color combinations. Sometimes, he looks like a fucking Dalmatian exploded on his pants. At least I stick with basic red, black, and white, with the occasional blue.

Morrison was moved to ECW because he sucks. ECW is where all the losers congregate because they suck too much to get on RAW or SmackDown. I think that's hilarious. I like to compare ECW to a summer camp for retarded kids, except the ECW guys are retarded "adults."

Morrison's ECW Championship reign was ridiculous. The only reason he was able to hold onto it for so long was because everyone else there sucks. And he had to drop it because he got suspended for steroids. Hey, how do you think his abs got like that? Let me tell you, his abs are just about as real as Jillian's boobs and singing talent are. When I had to give up my title, at least I did it because of injury. I had to step out of the ring for so long because I kicked so many asses that I got a tad bit carried away there for a moment. Don't even give me that Kane bit. I'll get to him in due time, you impatient assholes. It is a privilege for you to have the opportunity to listen to me speak like this. You better revel in it.

When I come back, I think I might have to make a guest appearance on SmackDown just to beat down Morrison. Hey, that's a great possibility with that whole talent exchange thing that's going on now. And it just gives me the opportunity to give the fans their moneys worth, even though they don't deserve it. If I was on ECW, even for a millisecond, that millisecond would out shadow the rest of the show. I'd be giving back to the fans for booing me all this time. That's just the kind of guy I am. I give to the fans even though they don't respect me for a damn.

I think Morrison needs his boy toy Mercury back. Then maybe they can put a decent move on someone.

**A/N: I am from Wisconsin, and so my next target must be Mr. Kennedy (Kennedy). I would say Candice since I am from Milwaukee, but I'll save her for later.**

**I adore Mr. Kennedy. After hearing some of his answers on Family Feud, that man is GOD. Oh, and also because of what he said during his entrance at No Mercy in Chicago. When I watched Cyber Sunday at BW3s, the whole bar was screaming "KENNEDY" and we chanted "bullshit" when he didn't win the title match opportunity. To make a long story short, I love Mr. Kennedy, but he is an asshole so this should be fun. I think that he and Edge would just clash so much.**


	10. Kelly Kelly Kennedy Kennedy

**A/N: Great news! Chris Masters was released! That means I don't have to do a chapter on him now.**

**To answer some of your questions:**

**1. I'm only doing the current roster.**

**2. I'm thinking about doing a sequel called "The Roast of Edge" where each Superstar (not all of them just the good ones) can refute Edge's arguments. But, remember, Edge gets to come back at the end of a roast. Good idea?**

**3. I have to do the lesser known Superstars, too, but they might all just get combined into one chapter.**

**4. I'm currently sitting in a very creepy college library, and I should be studying for my paper that's due on Monday. Oh, well. I know no one asked about that but whatever…Oh, and thank you to whoever said my story was one of the best ever.**

We don't _do_ football in Canada, so I don't understand the land that Mr. Kennedy comes from, Green Bay, Wisconsin. I may not know much about Green Bay, but I'll defame it anyways for the pleasure of all you people, Edgeheads and scumbags alike. Kennedy's little hero, Brett Favre, SUCKS! How old is he anyways, like sixty? It's time to retire, guy. I mean, come on. He has the most interceptions ever. Ridiculous. Kennedy should retire with him. It will make all the wrestling fans and football fans happy at the same time.

I refuse to repeat Kennedy's last name after already stating it. No one wants to listen to your name again, fuckbag. I already know your name, and I don't need it repeated. It's not like he has some ridiculously heinous name that I don't understand. What is the point of shouting your name ten years after you've already said it once? Unfortunately, everyone knows who you are, Mr. Kennedy. Your bad hair speaks for itself. Hey, maybe Kennedy should marry Kelly Kelly, another blonde idiot. Then she can be Kelly Kelly Kennedy Kennedy. Yet another two people adding to the dumb blonde stereotype. Am I the only one who can successfully refute that argument? Ass hats.

Another thing that bothers me about Mr. Kennedy is how he acted after winning _my_ Money in the Bank championship opportunity. If it wasn't for that jerk off, Jeff Hardy, I totally would have won that. Because of Jeff Hardy's lack of judgment, I was carried off in a stretcher and was therefore taken out of the match. Thanks, Jeff. If I was still there, Mr. Kennedy would have gotten Speared, guaran-damn-teed. Did you hear his little backstage interview? Mr. Kennedy was correct. He is not a nice guy. He's an asswipe. He is not all that he says, though. He says he's awesome. That is false. _I_ am awesome. I am the only awesome back in that locker room. Oh, and finally to prove Mr. Kennedy wrong for the lucky third time, he is not Mr. Money in the Bank. _I _am Mr. Money in the Bank.

I totally beat Kennedy for that fucking briefcase. I hate to quote Randy Orton, but being the winner of Money in the Bank is my destiny. I've won it twice, and used it successfully both times. The only other person to win it was RVD, and that's because I wasn't in the match since I was too busy Spearing Mick Foley's fat ass into a burning table. And RVD _did_ successfully use his Money in the Bank opportunity at One Night Stand. He probably would have lost if it wasn't for me. RVD would not have been champion if I didn't Spear John Cena through a table. RVD never thanked me for that, the asshole.

Mr. Kennedy is trying to be a knockoff of myself. Not possible. No matter how hard you try, Mr. Kennedy, you will never be as powerful, charismatic, smart, or devious as me. I am all powerful, and you suck.

You can go make sweet gay love to Brett Favre now. You can warm him up for his upcoming loss on Sunday.

**A/N: I love Mr. Kennedy. I am also from Wisconsin, so I love Brett Favre. None of my real feeling here…well, that's not entirely true but I won't go into specifics here.**

**Chapter 11: Due to great amounts of requests (and I just so happen to have him on my list as number 11)…..Mike Mizanin!**


	11. Flaming Goose Humper

**A/N: The Miz…I don't like him so much, but I don't really hate him. I think you guys probably hate him more than I do.**

Here's another case of a stupid person who had a bit of fame doing something useless who thinks they can make it in the WWE. I don't feel like saying his full name all the time, so I'll refer to him as the Miz. The Real World is the worst thing ever to be on television before Laguna Beach. I don't see how someone, especially the Miz, can garner fame from such a waste of television. He's an ugly fucker who has no talent whatsoever. He didn't even win _Tough Enough_, so he shouldn't even be here. He came in second, so he should still be fagging up MTV, but I'm not sure if MTV could get any gayer. Well, the Miz's homoerotic behavior fits right in with the retards of ECW, even though Miz is pretty much the most retarded of them all.

Have you taken a look at the Miz's wardrobe? What kind of self-respecting man dresses like that? He looks like a drag queen who got dressed in John Morrison's closet with all the lights off. The Miz is not a gangster, so I do not understand where he gets off wearing do rags (or however the fuck you spell that) and bandanas under fag hats. Fedoras went out about sixty years ago, shitbag. I hate how he acts all "rock and roll" with those terrible pants with the straps on the back, but he's the most puss kid ever. No one likes him. Girls only fuck him because he's famous. That way, if they get pregnant, they get his money. Heaven forbid that, though. I hate the thought of Mizettes running around. One Miz is bad enough. We don't need his sluts going nuts, too. OH HELL NO! I just thought about him having kids. Stupid people should _not_ be allowed to reproduce, and he is one stupid son of a bitch. Those kids are going to be so retarded that their first word is going to be "hoo-rah."

I will only "hoo-rah" after I take Miz out for good. _That_ will be a cause for celebration. After I take the Miz out and go back to Canada, I will be greeted with a beautiful, joyous party. Statues of myself will be erected all over my glorious homeland. I will be named as a saint for all Canadians. I will be showered with glorious gifts for achieving what everyone wishes they could do, and that's get rid of Miz.

What kind of nickname is Miz anyway? That's the worst play off of a name I've ever heard. There's no originality in it, and the name basically sucks. Didn't he say that Miz is the name of his alter ego? I guess that would mean that Mike Mizanin's alter ego is a flaming goose humper, but Mike Mizanin _is_ a flaming goose humper. And the idea of an alter ego is ridiculous. Be who you are, damnit. It's alter egos that make you end up in the insane asylum.

Right after this, I'm going to call an insane asylum to have the dudes in white jackets come pick up the Miz. That way I don't have to see him running around backstage like a chicken with it's head cut off.

Why would he _want_ to own the contract of Extreme Expose? They are fucking ugly ass chicks, and now there's only two of them. Brooke got released because _no one_ liked her. And she got in a fight over furry boots with Melina, ridiculously enough. They can't even dance, so it's not like it's enjoyable to watch them. Kelly Kelly is an idiot, and Layla just plain sucks. He acts like their fucking handler or something. Not even _I_ treated Lita like that. Asswipe.

I was the reason that Miz was voted in at Cyber Sunday. I just wanted to see him get his ass kicked the most. I was really disappointed that CM Punk didn't manhandle him as much as I thought he would. I mean, I hate Punk, too, but even John Cena could probably toss Miz around a bit before losing.

I find Miz's quick rise to main event status at ECW amusing. That place is a retard circus, and Miz is the ringleader. No, wait; he's the girl in the frilly outfit that falls off the trapeze. And then I'll throw popcorn at him and join the little five year old Canadian kids as we ridicule his ass out of here.

What's with that little strut he does? I don't get it. Ric Flair's strut is horrible enough, but now we have another useless minion strutting? STOP NOW!

I'm dialing the number to the insane asylum…now.

**A/N: In what I know is going to be a landslide, I must ask…**

**Chapter 12: HBK or CM Punk?**

**Review. It makes me happy which makes me write better rants for your literary enjoyment.**


	12. I Do Not Wish To Suck It Part 2

**A/N: I can't believe I actually asked you to vote between HBK and CM Punk. I'm even more shocked that some of you actually voted for Punk.**

Since I seem to enjoy defacing the entrance themes of your Superstar heroes, I think it's finally time for me to sing to a more popular tune.

_Fuck...you...Shawn!_

_I think you're gay._

_I know you're queer._

_You've got the looks_

_That make me puke out my guts._

_You've got the moves_

_That let me beat you._

_You send vomit_

_Up and down my throat._

_You're just HB-Gay (HB-Gay-ay)_

_Your career is washed away_

I swear, I should be a professional singer.

Shawn Michaels is an old fart, seriously. And the man needs a haircut! I mean, it's bad enough that his hair line is receding at such an outrageous pace, but that length just makes it look worse. If he doesn't cut his hair, the whole top is going to be bald. Then he's going to look like Riff Raff from _Rocky Horror Picture Show_. How old is that guy? Isn't he getting to be about as old as Ric Flair now?

One of the few good things that Randy Orton has ever done was take Shawn Michaels out. Him being out a action was a relief to everyone in the back. We didn't have to hear him bitching and crying that Triple H wouldn't fuck him up the ass that night. Thank god.

No one is that religious. How can you have any fun?

No one the age of Shawn Michaels should ever dance like that.

And what's with those Brokeback Mountain chaps he wears? He's just asking for a gay bash with Cade and Murdoch. Yes, I know Shawn is married, but that's what everyone does these days to cover it up.

I must say, though, that I have a special place for Shawn Michaels in my heart. He screwed Bret Hart, so I guess that means that he has a dark side. Hey, Shawn, I don't think your little friend God would approve of that. And we all know that Shawn is _not_ holy. I mean, he tells grown men to "suck it," and isn't the Bible against homosexuality? Shawn, your friend is going to banish you to hell for that.

The Superkick is the most retarded finisher basically ever. _Everyone_ does the Superkick in some way. Hell, even Umaga does it. Weak as fuck. Don't even say anything about Bobby Lashley and Batista doing the spears, either. _I_ at least do it correctly, and the other two do provide some bit of power behind it, I suppose. There are worse people who could be doing the spear, like John Cena. Just remember that _I_ revolutionized the spear. Shawn Michaels has never revolutionized anything. Well, I think he revolutionized the art of the fag.

Here's another bad ring name choice. His name is MICHAEL HICKENBOTTOM. That is the most ridiculous name I've ever heard. It suits him, though. It's the name of a redneck, and that's what Shawn is, coming from Texas and all.

Here's the other half of DX. Great. Another man with no balls. Triple H is bad enough, but we really don't need a minion of his meandering around the WWE. I've already stated my feelings on DX, and they aren't really a secret, so I am not giving you nimrods the pleasure of hearing me speak on that subject any longer.

Why does he feel the need to slap his leg before doing that stupid leg thing when he goes for his finisher? Doesn't he call it "tuning up the band?" Well, he had Sensational Sherri sing his theme once, so Shawn must be pretty tone deaf.

The only people who like Shawn Michaels are old men that don't have any of their real teeth left, fat Cena girls, and six year old kids.

Anyone remember when DX stole the bounty and bought tickets from Cryme Tyme? I don't care how funny DX _thinks_ they are, but no human being should ever speak like that. I believe his exact words were, "We need to get in the 'hizzle' to see the 'shizzle.'" What does that mean? That's not even part of the English language! Shawn Michaels claims that he's a smart man, but obviously not when he's speaking using that sort of vernacular. This is just another reason to use when I stress that Canada is way better than America. We don't have idiots running around talking like that.

I think Shawn is worse with the "suck it" thing than Triple H is. That's because Shawn looks like a flopping dead fish thrashing it's dying fins around. I'll put you out of your misery, HB-Gay.

**A/N: You do not get to vote on the next two chapter, but I'll open the doors for chapter 15.**

**Chapters 13-14 are a surprise.**

**Chapter 15: MVP or three lesser knowns in one chapter?**


	13. He's Going To Die

**A/N: This is the one you've all been waiting for.**

I've decided to speak about Matt Hardy a little earlier than I planned so that I don't have to hear your whining and crying about him. Matt Hardy is the most retarded kid ever.

I'll start off with a series of topics on why I hate this man.

Topic number one: The ladder match.

Matt Hardy thinks that he and his brother _own_ the ladder match. Um, no. As I've said in the Ladder Match DVD, I will credit Matt Hardy with being the _second_ best in the ladder match, _maybe_. My ex-tag team parter Christian might have been better than him. I've only lost one ladder match or TLC match in my life, but we're not going to talk about that. Most of my ladder and TLC matches involved Matt Hardy. He _lost_ all of those. Maybe if he didn't suck, he would have been good enough to be my partner. Then he would have won a few.

I'm going to refute the arguments on this topic of you little scum lickers right now.

You're going to say that I only took Matt Hardy off of RAW because of Lita.

Fact. It _was_ because of Lita holding Matt in the ropes that I was able to kick Matt off of what was then my show. I see it this way: If Lita hadn't found something better, which was me, then I would have been the one with an early ticket to SmackDown. It is only to my advantage that I have Lita. It makes me feel even better that I am that much better than Matt Hardy.

I didn't win the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania 23.

Fact. I didn't win. Matt Hardy's baby brother felt the need to risk his life to take me out. What in idiot. In case you didn't notice, Matt Hardy didn't win that match, either. And to further the wrestling knowledge of you numb skulls, I ended up with that contract for the second time. Oh, and I became the World Heavyweight Champion. How many world titles has Matt Hardy has? That's right. None. And when I saw _world_ titles, the European Championship doesn't count. It was like the Women's Championship for men. The reason that they got rid of that title was because they didn't want to put gold on losers like Matt Hardy.

I didn't beat John Cena at Unforgiven.

Cena will get his time.

I simply just _am_ the master of the ladder match. Hell, half of those matches on that DVD set involve me, and I just have so many more.

Topic number two: He says he "will not die."

Would you like to test that theory? I'm pretty sure he's going to die one day. Maybe Matt thinks he's some sort of superhero. Matthew, there's only room for one wannabe hero backstage and we all know that it's Super Cena.

Topic number three: Scrabble.

Who plays that? That's a game for old fucks that wear sweater vests. Basically, it's for guys like Matt Striker. Matt Hardy thinks he's so smart because he knows how to spell. Any idiot can pick up a damn dictionary and look up a word. It's basically like copying and pasting.

You know what Matt Hardy's favorite pastime is? He likes to look up naughty words in the dictionary in the middle of the night in his bed hiding under the covers with a flashlight. Then he giggles to himself after he reads the definition.

Topic number four: Lita.

This will be the last topic I speak on relating to Matt Hardy. I have better things to do, like watch Batista shave his chest. Okay, it's not my fault that Lita left Matt for me. Who wouldn't? Matt's hair looks like that of a greasy old biker man. Disgusting. It's so greasy that it constantly looks like he just got out of the shower. And what is with those sideburns? Is he trying to get the old Triple H 'stache back? Re-fucking-volting.

Everyone knows this story, so I won't divulge the unnecessary details to you morons. If you want to know about it, search it on youtube. Actually, I did that once and came up with a _very_ interesting video. Matt Hardy reenacts the "break up" with Lita. It did not happen like that. I won't discuss it because none of you will remember it, anyways. But what I can tell you is this: Who the _fuck_ keeps a cardboard cut out of their ex-girlfriend in their home? That is the move of a fucking stalker. I've never heard of such creep-like behavior before! How do you think it makes _me_ feel to know that another man has a life size cardboard cut out of my girlfriend in his house? Fine, I'm not with Lita anymore, but still. I feel horrible for the girl. And to make it even more obscene, he keeps it in his fucking _bathroom_. What are you doing with that in there, Matt?

When I come back from my injury, Matt will _wish_ that I never cashed in that Money in the Bank. After all, we'll be on the same show again.

**A/N: Votes are still open for chapter 15: MVP or three other losers in one chapter.**

**Next chapter is a surprise. Guess correctly and you win a hardcore shout out in chapter 15.**

**I just wanted you all to know that I did a little shopping today and bought a Triple H belt, WWE patch for a bag, and this weird John Cena thing that I only got because it came with a keychain and four pins. And they had a John Cena wall clock that I almost got.**

**I like to Orton pose when I'm happy. I'm happy when I get a lot of reviews. Make me happy, and the chapters will be even more hilarious.**


	14. Small Red Toothpick

**A/N: Legend? Oh, you flatter me.**

Well, since we're on the subject of Lita's ex-boyfriends, let's take a nice little shot at Kane.

The "Big Red Machine?" I don't think Kane is very big, nor do I think he's a machine. In fact, I think there is a part of him that could be called the "Small Red Toothpick." I hope I do not need to elaborate for you idiots. If you can't figure that one out, then I think you need to go to school in Canada. It's red because of all of the STD's. I know what you're going to say: _Edge, you jerk. You stole that line from the hero of the people, King John Cena_. Yeah, I stole that bit, but I don't give him credit for it. If you want to be technical, I stole the line from a youtube video, not John Cena. It is impossible to steal spoken words, fuckbags.

Did you know that Kane is a certified substitute teacher? Yeah, imagine that class. I'm thinking of it now: _Good morning, class. Today I will be teaching you all how to properly burn half of your faces off._

What was with that May 19th bullshit? Who cares if a little tiny fire occurred that day? We don't all freak out on the anniversary of the Chicago fire. Well, you losers in Chicago might, but in Canada we sure don't. The best thing about that was that I never got involved. His main target was the Spirit Squad, and I think we all enjoyed watching the Spirit Squad get their gay asses kicked, jerk offs and all. Here's another Superstar with a multiple personality disorder. Do I need to call the insane asylum again? The Miz can have a friend! But, unfortunately, that would be the only friend Miz would ever have.

Kane's head looks like a potato.

I don't think Kane has changed his pants in like five years. Hell, I don't think he's even washed them in that amount of time.

I still can't believe he beat me on "The Weakest Link." I can't believe I was voted off first. They all knew that I was the smartest of them all.

I wish Kane still wore that mask. Then I wouldn't have to see his ugly face. If he wore the mask again, he could bring back the Hurricane and they could form a stable with Rey Mysterio called "Hidden Homosexuality," "H-Squared" for short. But then Triple H would be jealous because they stole his favorite letter of the alphabet, and then he could join so he doesn't feel left out.

I will say, however, that the only good thing about him is his entrance theme. Too bad, though, because the theme is supposed to say something about the wrestler. You never fail to disappoint, Kane.

**A/N: I think I should send these to Edge.**


	15. The Pink Power Ranger

**A/N: Welcome back, my little Edge loving minions.** **MVP! (I hate him.)**

MVP is the biggest loser I've ever had the displeasure of meeting in my time at the WWE. He's even more of a loser than Matt Hardy.

What kind of idiot wears that type of ring gear? I think the only time I have ever loved the non-Canadian fans was when they chanted "Power Ranger" at him. That's priceless, especially since he got so defensive about the whole thing. You brought it upon yourself, fuckbag. I was just waiting for him to hold that stupid ass chain in his outstretched hands and yell, "PTERODACTYL!" I only say pterodactyl because that was the chosen animal of the pink ranger, and we all know that MVP is a fucking fruit. Ever wonder why MVP has yet to come out in a pink suit? It's because pink is his secret Power Ranger disguise color. He can't disclose his alter ego to us. I hear the insane asylum coming now.

Another thing about that ring gear: MVP is such an idiot that he decides to wear that in an inferno match, _with Kane_, and his outfit is flammable. The point of an inferno match is to set your opponent on fire, not make yourself out to be a fucking human candle. If that was me, I would've worn a fucking fireman suit or something so I didn't catch on fire. What a dumbass. Kane is all about fire. Of course MVP was going to get a fire lit under his ass, literally. When he caught on fire, I wanted to wave him around like a lighter and blast "Freebird" throughout the arena. That is the stuff dreams are made of. Can you just imagine seeing me twirling a FLAMING (and I am using a double meaning for that, kiddos) MVP throughout the air while Lynyrd Skynyrd plays? I'm going to try that the next time MVP decides to play with fire.

No Guitar Hero references, shitbags. _I_ can play the real thing.

What is this bullshit that MVP is the highest paid Superstar in WWE history? NOT TRUE. Do you honestly think that Vince McMahon is going to pay some untalented scum more money than me? Oh, wait. He already does: John Cena. Anyways, MVP doesn't deserve to be paid at all to wrestle here. In fact, _he_ should be paying the WWE. He should be paying me rent to be on _my_ show every week.

I don't care if MVP hates the kid, but _no one_ in their right mind would _ever_ align themselves with Matt Hardy. Jeff is an exception because they're brothers so Jeff is stuck with the bastard. I think that it's even worse for MVP because he kept losing in all of those little challenges_ to Matt Hardy_. I could beat _both_ of those kids at the same time without lifting a finger. I'd just have to tell Matt that Lita wants him back, and I'd tell MVP that the white Power Ranger is looking for his girlfriend.

Hey, when Vince McMahon got his head shaved, he looked like that big talking head from the old Power Rangers. Maybe that's why MVP was so interested in coming here.

Next victim, please.

**A/N: This is how it's going to work. I'm taking requests. Whoever the best suggestion is will be written about tomorrow. It's only for a limited time, because I will have time to do this between 11-1 tomorrow afternoon, and it's currently 1 AM here.**


	16. Silicone Worm

**A/N: Miami theory? Where the hell did I pose to you all a Miami theory in the last chapter?**

**MVP was my personal favorite chapter so far. I will do Beth Phoenix.**

Why do all of these wrestling rejects come from a specific waste of space in the Midwest? Mr. Kennedy, Hornswoggle, and Candice Michelle all come from that polluted cesspool, Wisconsin. Even though they are close to Canada, they still suck. Lake Michigan is disgusting. Wisconsin doesn't even have any good sports teams, and their hockey team sucks. Hell, the Brewers lost to the Cubs. It is pathetic if you lose to the Cubs.

Candice, even if I were a "daddy," you would not make me "go."

That dance she does is horrendous. What sort of man would find that entertaining? I sure as hell don't. Watching Candice do that "Go Daddy" dance is like watching a worm with fake boobs try to squiggle away from you as you try to put a hook in it to go fishing. Let it be noted that I hate touching worms because I think they are revolting, and a worm is only a step up from Candice Michelle.

Milwaukee is the most disgusting city ever. No wonder Candice came from there.

During my current rehabilitation stint, I indeed have been watching RAW on Monday nights. During a recent edition of RAW, I was enjoying some nice milk and cookies when Candice invoked her rematch clause against Beast, I mean Beth, Phoenix. I just happened to take a sip of that milk when Candice fell off of the turnbuckle. The next thing I knew, my television was covered in milk. I laughed so hard that milk came out of my nose. That was almost as funny as watching John Cena try to wrestle.

I must say that I always cover my eyes when Candice gets in the ring. I don't see why she feels the need to flash the audience. That is the mark of either a stripper or a pedophile. There are _children_ in the audience, for crying out loud! And don't even bring up my live sex celebration because there were warnings about that. Besides, my segment was the highest rated stint ever on RAW. You don't hear about Candice's rating being very high.

Has anyone seen the scum that comes out of the Diva Search? Candice is just one of those. She should have taken the hint when she didn't make the finals that she wasn't cut out to be here. Do you know how many people she slept with backstage to get here?

Remember when Victoria crushed her nose? That was awesome. I miss those days of seeing Candice with a broken nose. Those bruises made her look better.

Thank god I'll be back before Candice. Then I can have some discounted whore days, meaning fewer skanks will be around.

**A/N: I love Candice. I am from Milwaukee.**

**I updated the profile again.**

**Next: CM Punk**


	17. Napoleon Dynamite Is More Skilled

Anyone who is on ECW garners no respect from the Edgemeister. Since I like to compare ECW to a retard circus, this man is the dumbass who sticks himself into a cannon in hopes to impress people by doing something stupid. I am talking about CM Punk. In fact, CM Punk is so retarded that he should wear a helmet full time in order not to worsen his condition. I think he has ink poisoning, or at least his tattoos have rubbed off on him, giving him a disease from having too many bad tattoos. 

Straightedge? What the hell? How dare my name be associated with such abnormality. Who does that? That fucker obviously took high school health class way too seriously. I don't think I've been "straightedge" since I was thirteen. No wonder CM Punk can't get any girls. Since he doesn't go to the bar, he can't meet any extremely drunk chicks, and those are the only ones he can get with because they're too drunk to see how ugly that guy is. When JR refers to someone as being "grizzly," he's saying that they resemble CM Punk.

He really does look like one of those cavemen from those damn car insurance commercials. He has the hair, beard, and ugly face. Maria, what were you thinking? For you idiots who don't know, Maria dated CM Punk for a while. That's disgusting. I mean, we all knew that Maria was an idiot, but is she really _that_ stupid? Apparently.

I remember when CM Punk got the cover of the 2007 Fall Preview of WWE Magazine. Could they have picked a worse cover model? He looks like a Superman wannabe, so he's basically imitating John Cena. That's ridiculous. I should have been on the cover. Even worse, I am not the first Superstar listed in the SmackDown section. Ree-dick-you-lous. All of the people who are listed ahead of me, I have already bashed, minus Undertaker. They are: Batista, Rey Mysterio, Khali, and MVP. How the fuck do they, along with the Undertaker, surpass me in a magazine with CM Punk's ugly mug on the cover? Ew.

To make that issue worse, they made a CM Punk cartoon thing. Was he supposed to be like James Bond or something? Sickening. Revolting. Odious. Not even the most degrading term could ever describe such nonsense. I hate it. I would make a much better hero than CM Punk ever could. The only problem is that I have no interest in being a hero for the people. I'd rather just play it my way and have some fun, no matter how many people get pissed off.

Let's take a look at what WWE Magazine has rated CM Punk as and compare them to myself.

Strategy - Edge: 9; CM Punk: 4

Damn straight. There is simply no comparison there.

Mat Skills – Edge: 8; CM Punk: 8

What the hell? Just because I don't parade around doing Brazilian shit…Let's have a match and then we'll see who has the better mat skills.

Strength – Edge: 6; CM Punk: 6

What? What does that kid bench, like ten pounds? Ridiculous. You can't even see his abs! He has no definition! I have the best hip dents in the world. _That's_ definition.

Speed – Edge: 7; CM Punk: 7

Again, I beg to differ. A spear is much faster than a GTS.

Agility – Edge: 8; CM Punk: 8

What the hell? See above argument.

Charisma - Edge: 9; Charisma: 6

Hell the fuck yes. Of course I would have more charisma than that shitbag. I should have been a ten. I should be a ten in all categories.

Sportsmanship - Edge: 1; CM Punk: 7

This is the exception to the being ten in all categories rule. I don't want to be rated high in here. I'd rather be rated as a zero. I don't like anyone here.

Aerials – Edge: 7; CM Punk: 7

Again, what the hell? I barely ever go to the top rope (because I don't have to), but my skills are definitely better than CM Punk's.

In fact, CM Punk _has_ no skills.

**A/N: I am very upset at RAW this week.**


	18. Fat Asses on a Treadmill

I'm going to knock out two birds with one stone here, or I should say knock out two fat asses with one treadmill. I'm talking about Mark Henry and Big Daddy V. 

Let's start with Big Daddy V. I think one of the greatest signs I've ever seen was "Big Daddy Needs to Wear a Shirt." Damn straight, he does. It's even worse in the locker room since SmackDown and ECW travels together. I always refuse to go into the locker room until I know that Big Daddy V is done. I do _not_ need to see that fucker naked. Hell, I don't _want_ to see that fucker naked. I'd rather chop off my penis. If I saw him naked, my penis probably wouldn't even work anymore. I would be eternally turned off.

I can't believe he has that many tattoos. Are they some pitiful attempt to mask his fat rolls? Clearly, it's not working. And those suspenders are revolting. Can't his fat hold his pants up for him? It's like he raided Urkel's closet and stretched out his clothes. I think he ate Urkel while he was at it, too. Does anybody know what happened to that guy? _Exactly_.

At least Big Daddy V wore clothes when he was Mabel and Viscera. I have to admit, Viscera's silk pajamas were pretty sweet. I was thinking about getting a pair for myself, but definitely not those purple ones. I was thinking black and red. I was going to steal some of Viscera's because I could have made about ten or twenty pairs for myself with one of his.

Why the hell would Mark Henry _want_ to come back to the WWE? I guess he can't feel anything through his mounds of fat, and the guys just rebound off of him.

Remember when he was Sexual Chocolate? Just because you have brown skin doesn't mean that you can compare yourself to chocolate. There are many unpleasant things that are brown: shit, sewage, rotten apples, old gum under my shoe, John Cena's hair, and cockroaches. Chocolate isn't all that appealing, either.

World's strongest man? I think he's mistaking fat for muscle, which must mean he's an idiot. Either he's very stupid, or extremely talented. I find it very difficult to be able to confuse fat with muscle, so I applaud Mark Henry for that achievement.

Mark Henry should stick to those stupid competitions. I'll knock his fat ass off of his fat feet.

**A/N: The recent update on the Survivor Series card is making me very, very happy right now. Tag Team Championships, anyone?**

**I am very happy. Do not comment on this subject; you'll ruin my mood.**

**Review.**

**Santino vs. Hornswoggle**


	19. Smelly Italian

**A/N: This may be the end of this magical journey. I'm just too spent right now.**

Where does Santino Marella get off by being in the WWE? They pulled his as out of the audience. It was pure luck that he's here. He couldn't even beat Umaga on his own. What the hell? He needed that fucker Lashley to come do it for him. Ridiculous. I have no respect for jerks that can't beat someone on their own with no outside help. Do not even consider arguing the Lita factor against me. I don't consider her to be "outside" help. She's with me, so it's her job. And she did a hell of a job, I must say.

His entrance theme sucks ass. That is some queer opera he's got going on there. I think that may have been the gayest track from the CD that one of the guys from "Queer Eye" gave him. Santino is just like Shawn Michaels in the fact that he hangs out with women to cover up his homosexuality. Do you _honestly_ think that a good man would hang out with Maria? Definitely not. Being with her is like scooping your brains out, but that's a story for another time, kids.

I may not like Santino, but I'll take listening to him on the microphone over watching Cena wrestle any day. That fucker is so stupid that it's hilarious. I think he has the best worst microphone skills ever. Only an idiot like Santino can misquote Stone Cold by saying "Ass-whip" instead of "Whoop-ass" and make it sound hilarious. I congratulate you on that, Santino, for using your stupidity to its highest potential. _That_ is a good talent to have in the WWE if you don't have any wrestling skills at all. Calling John Cena?

Santino also has stupid tattoos. I think he only got them to make him look tougher. I think they make him look more like a pussy. If I _had_ to choose, I'd say that after me, Randy Orton has the best tattoos, and his tattoos suck.

I am officially ashamed that Santino Marella has held the Intercontinental Championship, a title that I once held. It used to be that the Intercontinental Championship was a stepping stone to the WWE Championship. Not anymore. Have you seen the trash that runs around with it? Jeff Hardy, Umaga, and Santino…It's a horrible cycle that is never going to end, and it's going to bite Vince McMahon in the ass one day. I guess that no one up quite up to the caliber that I am.

I was personally insulted when Santino Marella decided to dress up as Stone Cold. Why, do you ask? I am all for making fun of Stone Cold, but dressing up is _my_ bit. Nothing, and I surely do mean _nothing_, will ever top my little Triple H run.

Did you see his face when Maria and Candice kissed in front of him? He looked like he had never seen a woman in his life. Or even better, he had never seen any homosexuality before. That look on his face was the look of discovery. He knew he was gay at that moment. I guess he owes Maria and Candice a debt of gratitude there. He can no longer hide how gay he is for John Cena, but for some reason he does. I have a little tip for you, Santino: John Cena absolutely _adores_ Italian men. Maybe you whisper a little Italian in his ear, he'll take you out on a nice date. Oh dear, I think I just puked in my mouth a little bit.

What's with that little jacket thing he wears? It looks like an oversized bowling shirt. What, exactly, is the point of that? Does he plan on playing some ten pin after getting his ass kicked? Maybe he has a thing for bowling alley employees. Wait, I don't remember Cena working at one of those places…

After searching I've come to discover a picture that I personally find humorous. Go to Santino Marella's page, and underneath his picture where it says "videos," there's a picture of Jerry Lawler holding a microphone up to Santino's mouth. Santino has his mouth wide open with a very interesting look on his face, and Jerry looks pleased, as well. I have my own thoughts on that, but I'll let you shit heads figure that one out on your own.

I should have reminded you that I _am_ Rated-R. Some content might not be suitable for jackasses under the age of seventeen, and all non-Canadians in general.

HA! Next to that picture, it talks about Santino "coming out." I was right all along! I knew it! I love being proved right. This has made my day.

You know what they say about Italian men being smelly? Or is it the French…Either way, Santino is proof that it is the Italians. I'm from Canada, and _no one_ smells. There is nothing smelly about Canada.

Another reason that Santino is gay: He just made the arm sling a trend. He had it, and now so does Cena. No words can describe that.

Please, give me a new topic before I puke from being disgusted at the thought of Cena and Santino.

**A/N: Yeah…**

**I'm addicted to SDvR right now. I'm playing 24/7 mode as…you guessed it. Edge.**

**Still thinking about deleting this. It's a strong possibility at this point.**

**Is it wrong that I now want Cade and Murdoch to win at Survivor Series? I'm sure that will change in like an hour, but right now...ugh.**


	20. Small Package

**A/N: I think that day off may have been good for the story. At the same time, I feel bad for not living up to my usual standards. That chapter sucked. I apologize, but I'm not quite sure if the humor is back up and running just yet. **

Just like I have no idea what a Punjabi is, I have no clue as to what a Hornswoggle is. What is that? Don't even tell me that it's his name, because I've never heard of such ridiculous wordage, not even in the strangest culture in the world. Hornswoggle is _not_ a name for a human. Actually, I don't even think that Hornswoggle is human at all. I'm pretty sure that leprechauns aren't classified as human beings.

I have the answer for Triple H's question. It is pretty obvious that Hornswoggle's mom was _not_ magically delicious. If she was, she would not have shot that out of her stomach. That is so ugly. She must have been deformed herself. The thought of Vince McMahon having sex with a magical creature is just disturbing. He probably thought that her magical powers would somehow get him money. Yeah, Vince, real smart.

Even if he is not a real human, he should at least have the common decency to practice routine personal hygiene. What could he possibly be doing where his face is always that dirty? Is he helping Santa Claus go up and down the chimneys? I thought Hornswoggle was a leprechaun, not an elf. Hell, that kid is so strange, maybe he's both.

Another thing that baffles me about Hornswoggle is his terrible facial hair. The jerk is blonde, but his nasty ass beard is jet black. I'm pretty sure that his stupid green hat can't protect his hair from all the soot in the chimneys, so what is that kid _really_ doing? I'm not sure I want to know.

Remember when DX showed the horrid pictures of Randy Orton? Triple H said something about a picture of Orton and a midget with jelly beans. Yep, that was Hornswoggle. How do I know? Orton disclosed that information to me after that little segment. I then proceeded to wash out my ears after I heard that nonsense. Disgusting. At one point after that lovely conversation, I was considering cutting off my ears so I would never have to hear anything as disturbing again. I then realized that I would look like Mick Foley, the world's biggest idiot. No, thanks.

I must praise Hornswoggle for one thing, however, and that is how he won the Cruiserweight Championship. He totally snuck in the ring, hid out until he saw an opening, and then kicked ass. I think he was studying old tapes of the Edgemeister, which is _very_ smart. However, I am not saying that Hornswoggle is good or smart by any means. _No one_ is as good or smart as I am.

I almost, _almost_, feel bad for Vince that Hornswoggle is his kid. If Hornswoggle was my kid, I think I'd have to shoot myself. But I'll never have to worry about something like that happening. I mean, look at me. I would never spawn something that horrendous looking.

What the hell is a Tadpole Splash? Yes, I understand that it's the "smaller" version of the Frog Splash, but what the fuck? There is _no way possible_ that Hornswoggle's finisher could cause as much damage as Eddie could when he pulled off the Frog Splash. Jamie Noble should go and hide in a hole for the rest of his life and stay there so the local Canadians don't chase after him with burning pitchforks. Of course, you're wondering why we would do that. First, let me tell you, that as with Triple H, I would be leading that amazing mob, video taping the whole thing to post on my live blog. But, alas, I do not have a live blog because I refuse to dwell into the loser depths that you ass monkeys are in. At least I have a life, unlike you ass clowns. Anyways, this is why Jamie Noble should go and live in a hole: Because Hornswoggle pinned him with the Tadpole Splash.

At least we know that Hornswoggle isn't the worst Superstar in the back. Congratulations, Jamie Noble. You've just been beaten by a leprechaun.

**A/N: Eh…**

**Review.**


	21. Hootie and Patrick

**A/N: At this time, it is 2:30 AM, and Survivor Series is approximately 16.5 hours away. Ugh. I hate waiting for PPVs. And it's worse since I get to BW3s like two hours ahead of time and the time there passes so slow.**

I find Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch to be quite amusing. I don't care how much this has been said, but they _so_ remind me of those Brokeback Mountain cowboys. Did you know that Cade and Murdoch wanted their entrance theme to be _Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy_? The creative team nixed that right away because they thought that it would send the wrong message about their Superstars. Duh. That was what Cade and Murdoch were going for. They're okay with admitting their sexuality, so why aren't they allowed to flaunt it? I mean, _sure_ it would be disgusting as all fuck, but not even that can be much worse than allowing John Cena to parade around.

Did you know that Cade and Murdoch's idols are Billy and Chuck? Makes sense, I suppose.

You know what really irks me about Trevor Murdoch? He looks like the front man of Fall Out Boy, aka the worst band to ever exist. They look like twins, it is so uncanny. They even have the ridiculously bushy sideburns. I don't think that's natural. It's wrong. I'm done insulting the lead singer of the Fag Loving Boys, but I'm not done with Murdoch. It literally looks like he has Triple H's pubic hair glued to the side of his face. Okay, I think I just grossed myself out there a bit. (Edge takes in a deep breath). No, I think that John Cena might be just a bit more disgusting than Triple H's pubic hair, just a bit.

Lance Cade went pretty boy on us all. Revolting. He went from rugged to a fag in a matter of a week. What the hell? He got a haircut and now he thinks he's better than everyone else? Guess what, Lance? Your hair still sucks, you little Randy Orton rip off. Seriously, he looks just like Orton with that unoriginal hairstyle.

Maybe Cade is trying to break away from Murdoch. Hell, I don't blame him. I wouldn't want something that ugly following me around, either. Well, Matt Hardy _was_ stalking me for a long time after the Lita incident…Anyways, I don't understand Cade. At first, he was a man butt loving cowboy, and now he's a metro sexual something or other that I don't have the words to describe. I would say fag, but I think I've said that enough times already. I'm getting tired of that "f" word. I prefer "fuck," on different levels. Cade looks so out of place. He has made the big mistake of trying to break away from the mold. It's like that guy from Hootie and the Blowfish. He tried not to be Hootie anymore, but he will always be Hootie. I think I'm going to call Cade "Hootie" from now on. It's just fun to say. Hootie Cade. Hootie Cade. Hootie fucking Cade. That reeks of awesomeness. It is making me giggle like a little school girl, and that has never happened before. HOOTIE CADE!

Hootie Cade and Hardcore Holly would make the ultimate gay duo. Actually, don't they kind of look like the Ambiguously Gay Duo from Saturday Night Live? Strange…

Since I have a new name for Cade, I will now be referring to Murdoch as Patrick Murdoch, in reference to the lead singer of Fall Out Boy. Yes, I do mean it in a worse way than it sounds. If I looked like that guy, I think I'd kill myself. Well, I'd compare myself to John Cena and thank the Canadian wrestling god that no one is uglier than Cena.

I've just learned that Cade and Murdoch's finisher is called "Sweet and Sour." Who the fuck names a wrestling maneuver after a flavoring sauce? Out of all the ridiculous names out there, that's the best they could come up with? I mean, there are some pretty bad names out there. John Cena: F-U. Randy Orton: RKO (He used his fucking initials?!). Mickie James: Mick Kick. Hornswoggle: Tadpole Splash. Maria: …Does she even have a finisher? Oh yeah, the weak ass _bulldog_. Back to the subject, out of all the horrendous names out there, I think Cade and Murdoch's comes in second to John Cena's. I think that's what Cena calls it because he wants to fuck whoever he's doing that to, minus the girls. Is there a reason that Hootie and Patrick named their finisher after a condiment? I hope not. Maybe it's just an ode to their terrible redneck-ness. I hope not, because being a redneck is certainly not something to be excited about. Being Canadian is something to be proud of, however.

Redneck Wrecking Crew? Are they insinuating that they have cannon balls down there? Dear lord, no. I'm pretty sure they stuff themselves, and they aren't appearing to do a very good job of it.

Bye, Hootie and Patrick. I'll see you at Survivor Series, and I'll be laughing at you when you lose your belts to the other half of the gay duo and the twelve year old bitch.


	22. Sorry, I Was Snoring

**A/N: In honor of my darling Edgie returning to the WWE last night, I will bash Mr. Undertaker. This is something I hadn't intended to do for a long time since I must leave some of the more popular superstars for later. Oh, how I so badly wanted Cody to turn on Holly last night…**

**Remember, kids, this is the present Edge, so everything that happened at Survivor Series is fair game.**

I am awesome. No, really. I am _fucking_ awesome. I am the raddest mother fucker on the face of this pathetic earth. Did you all see what I did last night at Survivor Series? Of course you did. If you didn't, you suck more than John Cena, and I'm sure you'll see it about six thousand times in the coming week. I am so proud of my Rated-R ways right now. I am so hardcore. Undertaker's dumb ass couldn't see it coming, and neither did Batista. That makes it even better! It just shows how much smarter I've gotten in my absence. Who else would have posed as a camera man for the night? I'll tell you that _no one_ would have been smart enough to pull that one off.

I know what you're asking: Why Undertaker? I'll tell you why: It's because, as I am once again reminding you, I am not an idiot. It will be much easier for me to get _my_ title back from Batista than it will be from Undertaker. Don't get me wrong; Undertaker sucks and is the most overrated piece of Cena crap ever. Okay, I lied. Cena is the most overrated piece of the nastiest substance on earth, but let's get over that for a minute. I should have said that Undertaker is the most overrated thing on SmackDown, besides maybe Rey Mysterio. Undertaker doesn't scare me. He can roll his eyes in the back of his head all he wants. He looks like a fucking retard of acid when he does that. Either that or he looks like he passed out from all the anal Batista's been giving him lately.

I honestly believe that Undertaker's Wrestlemania streak is a fluke. There is no way that someone can remain undefeated at Wrestlemania for that long. Even I _may_ lose someday when I'm old. Don't even say that I lost at Wrestlemania 23, because I didn't. You can't lose that match. You either win or you don't. There is no clear cut winner. Besides, it shouldn't count as a loss anyways. I was wrongfully taken out of that match against my will. That's not my fault. Damnit, Randy Orton. You're supposed to be the "Legend Killer," but you couldn't even beat Undertaker at Wrestlemania. You. Suck. Major. Ass. And you wonder why I ditched you…Yet, I have a feeling that if I have my way, I will be the one facing Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Actually, that's if things _don't_ go my way. I will get that blasted title from Batista, and then Undertaker is going to whine and cry about how I screwed him over. Duh. It was Survivor Series, and screwing people over is the Canadian way. Anyways, since Undertaker is Vince's little bitch, he'll get his stupid shot at Wrestlemania. I'll break that blasted streak. I'm undefeated, too, shit heads.

Undertaker is still living of his fame from tossing Mick Foley off of the cell. What the hell? It seems that Mick Foley is our little punching bag, but hey. Okay, I think that spearing Mick Foley through a BURNING TABLE is much more impressive than picking him up and throwing him down twenty feet and making him crash into the announce table. Where was the danger for Undertaker? Nowhere. I could have died. Did Undertaker have any wounds from tossing a fat man? No, he didn't. I had second degree burns, damnit. _That_ is the meaning of hardcore. Undertaker is a pussy. He wouldn't know the meaning of hardcore even if John Cena told him that he wanted to show him his hardcore homosexuality. Here we go with the "H-Squared" thing again.

Undertaker needs new ring gear. That leotard is ridiculous. He looks like an emo ballerina without the tutu. I bet Undertaker would like a frilly tutu. With that hair, and a tutu, he'd look like one of those ridiculous show dogs, but just a horrendously ugly version of one.

I really think that Undertaker is emo. Seriously. He needs help. He wears all black, and his taunt has him imitating the act of cutting himself. I know that it's not in the right place, but where he imitates that causes like, instant death. Please, 'Taker, I don't need to send another one of you to the mental institution, but I might have to.

Remember when Undertaker rode his motorcycle out to the ring? At least that was cool. Now his entrance just sucks. His theme is boring. I still don't understand why it takes him twenty-five years to walk down to the ring. I didn't know that the entrance themes were allowed to be that long. He acts like he's psyching out his opponent, but in reality, he's putting them to sleep. That's how he wins all the time. He is simply that boring.

I don't care what you traditionalists say, but in a few years, we're all going to be saying "Undertaker who?" Don't fret, because I will still be around, kicking ass.

And since I am back, you now all actually have a reason to watch SmackDown. And don't tell me you're not going to, because I am going to revel in my awesomeness reeking self when the ratings skyrocket.

**A/N: Sorry if I offended you in any way with the emo comment. I understand that is not the meaning of emo, just the stereotype. I've been called emo many times in my life, so I understand.**


	23. Put the Walls Up

**A/N: Okay, I'll do Jericho.**

**I would just like you all to know that at the time of this being written, I have 222 reviews. It's a sign.**

Chris Jericho needs to crawl back into the hole that he just came out of. He's been gone for TWO YEARS and he decides that now is an appropriate time to come back. Excuse me, but now is _not_ the proper time to come back. There can only be one comeback at a time, asshole. This week was _my_ return, and we all know that I am much more epic than Chris Jericho.

Let's compare these lovely comebacks, shall we?

Topic one: The enemy

Jericho: I'm letting ladies go first, here. Okay, let's see…he came back to yell at Randy Orton, another jackass. Even though Randy is the current WWE Champion, he is a horrible person to attack when making a comeback. He's weak.

Edge: Oh, how I love glorifying myself. I came back to get at Batista and Undertaker. Both of them are bigger stars than Randy Orton, even though they all equally suck and are equally weak. I think a bigger statement is made by doing a con-chair-to on Undertaker than by yelling some big words and lame insults at Randy Orton.

Topic two: The entrance

Jericho: He had that annoying video played after everyone's seen it for like nine years. Boring. Jericho, you certainly do _not_ know how to make an impact. Besides, everyone knew he was coming back. Damn internet leaks. Sure, they put me on the promotional poster for Survivor Series, but that's because I just simply rock.

Edge: I hid out _as a camera man_ and pulled a sneak attack. I think that was the greatest use of a foreign object ever. Did you see that camera smash? Smashing things makes me happy. I love it. No one saw it coming. I bet they all expected me to take out Cody Rhodes in the tag match because I like picking on weaker beings. Damn straight, I do. But I won't waste my time on that little rat. I'll let Holly take care of that one. Oh wait, Holly got his ass RKO'd last night, and then Randy went on talking like nothing had happened. _That's_ good entertainment, even though they both suck.

Topic three: The action

Jericho: What action? All he did was yell some terrible insults at Randy. "Child bearing hips?" What, are you checking Randy out there, Jericho? I bet you'd like to get your hands on those, wouldn't you? That's disgusting. Any numbskull can grab a microphone and say a couple of lame words to get a cheap reaction out of the crowd. Hell, Santino Marella does it every week, and that's all that John Cena is famous for.

Edge: At least I know how to pull of some quality action. Ha, that sounded wrong, but if I say it, it's right. I don't need to use lame insults to make the crowd make some noise. All I have to do is attack their "heroes," and that is something that I enjoy. It makes me happy and pisses them off, which makes me even happier. God, I am awesome.

Topic four: The response

Jericho: Cheap cheers that no one cares about. Next.

Edge: Boos that will live on forever. I love it.

Survey says? Clearly, I, the one and only Edge, have swept the board here on this one. I love beating out losers.

The funniest thing about Jericho is that he was fired because he lost to none other than John Cena. HA! You deserve to be fired if you lose to that fuckbag.

I hate how Jericho thinks he's a fucking rock star. I bet he thinks that he "parties like a rock star" like that obnoxious rap song. This is how Jericho parties: He takes his kids out to Chuck E. Cheese's. That is not a party. I think that is the rap song's idea of partying like a rock star. They don't even know what that means. They are not rock stars. Jericho is not a rock star. Being in a band does not make you a rock star. Being Edge _makes_ you a rock star.

And playing Guitar Hero doesn't mean you're musically inclined, dumb kids.

Jericho's hair makes me giggle. In the Holiday edition of _WWE Magazine_, they show Jericho's hair timeline. Are you kidding me? Who wears a ponytail on the top of their head like that? I don't think I've ever even seen a woman do that! I think Jericho is trying to revolutionize the art of the he-she.

Now his hair looks like a really short mullet. No joke.

My last words to Jericho are this: Was this some poor attempt at stealing my thunder? _No one_ beats me in the end, Jericho. You're little return will all be forgotten. You will be taken off of once I get my title back. I will be on there once again.

Oh, one last insult. I'm going to steal Jericho's word once again and call him an ass clown.

**A/N: I have no idea who to do for the next chapter. Give me suggestions in reviews.**


	24. Matt Hardy's Uglier Half

**A/N: Still no success on the fic sending…I might have to send it via e-mail, or the myspace suggestion. We'll see.**

**I put up that rated M story I was asked to write…I don't now how I feel about it yet.**

You "command" me to bash Kevin Thorn? You do not _command_ me to do anything. _I _do the commanding around here, and I command you to listen to me make fun of people. The funny thing is that you all will. And I command you to watch me make my return to SmackDown this Friday. How will I repay you for your forceful words? I'm going to bash Ashley instead.

I think it's kind of sad that Ashley thinks she's so hardcore punk. Because, you know, giving out your phone number on national television certainly makes you "hardcore." (Edge rolls his eyes). Yeah, that was called _sarcasm_, dumbasses. Have you seen pictures of her from before she became a Diva? She had light blonde hair and not an ounce of punk in her. Po-ser. Wasn't she one of those _annoying_ Hawaiian Tropics girls? You know what Hawaiian Tropics does besides produce terrible suntan lotion? They make hideous girls believe that they're hot. There is no market for that anywhere in the world. The only thing worse than a hot chick that thinks she's ugly is an ugly chick that thinks she's hot. That makes me sick.

I heard that her Playboy issue was one of the worst selling ones ever. Apparently, I am not alone in thinking that she sucks and is horrendously ugly.

I don't blame the tribe for voting Ashley off of Survivor. I wouldn't want her to be around, either. Hell, I don't want her around now! I wish we could vote people off of SmackDown. Of course, I'd always be the tribe leader or whatever you call it. I'd slowly kick off everyone until I was the only one left. I mean, come on. If I was on the show by myself, it would be the greatest show ever. _Everyone_ would line up for weeks, no years, to see it. They should give me my own show. "The Cutting Edge" doesn't count. That was just the best thirty seconds on television all week before some jackass interrupted it.

I hate fat chicks, but I think that Ashley might just be a bit _too_ skinny. I thought I heard the Divas saying that they always heard her puking…No wonder her teeth are gross. I think those horrid lip rings are decoration for her mouth. She thinks that they will distract onlookers from her nasty chops. It ain't working, sweetheart. Maybe I'll have Lita come back and rip those piercings right out of her lips.

Another reason I can't stand Ashley: She dated _Matt Hardy_. If I can't stand Matt, do you honestly think that I'd be able to stand his girlfriend? The answer is no. I don't care if she's not together anymore. Although it was a short relationship, Ashley has been tainted for life.

The only smart thing Ashley ever did was align herself with Trish Stratus. Even though I hate Trish for all that shit with Lita, I have to admit that she has won major points with me simply by being from Canada. That's about it.

You are the idiots that put Ashley in the WWE. Don't come crying to me when you start bawling after you read this because I made fun of your perfect little princess. Hey, at least I'll admit that she's better than Layla.

Ashley is one of the many reasons that I was almost slightly glad that I was gone for so long. Granted, she was "suspended." Who cares? This is what they should have done to Ashley after being voted off Survivor: They should have bound her to the Great Wall of China. Are you aware of how funny that would be? I would of course video tape the whole ordeal. Jeez, I am going to have quite the video collection soon. Anyways, just imagine it. Ashley: bound to the dark, cold stone wall as icy rain pours down on her. To keep her warm, the Chinese throw rice at her and then send the legendary dragon on her. That makes me smile.

I'm sending a memo to the WWE: Next time they want to let the fans pick a Diva, don't.

**A/N: Looking back, I think this may just be the most hilarious thing ever to be written, or at least so I've been told.**

**Read my new story.**

**Review.**


	25. Certified Butt Buddies

**A/N: A question came to mind that I have never answered before: Why Edge? In my mind, there are only two really good heels in the WWE today: Edge and Randy Orton. Randy Orton is the ultimate bad guy. He's gorgeous, smooth…ah I'm going to stop now. But _Edge_ has all that and more! He has way more charisma than Randy. Orton usually just ends up as the butt of the joke, you know? People just hate Randy, but people _love_ to hate Edge. It's a no-brainer. Besides, can you really imagine Randy doing all this? I can't.**

I think, no, I _know_ that Paul London and Brian Kendrick are butt buddies. They spend way too much time together. No one should have a tag team partner for that long. That's the reason they've led me to believe that they are attached at the ass. They even grope each other in their ring entrance after they jump around like little sissies. Thanks for throwing me the ammunition, boys.

Who runs to the ring? I bet they just can't wait to get their asses kicked. I mean, I can understand if it's the Royal Rumble because you can't wait to get in there and start tossing people out of the ring. But why would you run to the ring in any other scenario? Half of the time, they're the first ones in the ring! What's the point if you're not charging down there to kick ass? I get it. They're so ugly that if they don't run down to the safety of the ring, the local zoo keeper will mistake Paul London for a gorilla and Brian Kendrick for a chimpanzee.

Did you know that Brian Kendrick's nickname is "Spanky?" Do you know why? It's because he has to wank off all the time since he can't get any and Paul London doesn't feel like it anymore. That's a horrible nickname. Oh, and his finisher is called "Sliced Bread Number Two." Why? I mean, I can understand if Hornswoggle is under the ring slicing bread and then Kendrick throws it at him but other than that, it makes no sense. Unless they're selling bread with numbers like pencils now…You American's are stupid.

Paul London has horrible facial hair. He looks like fucking Paul Bunyan. That's what he should change his name to. Then we can chance Kendrick's name to "Babe," even though he is certainly not one. Well, he does kind of look like an ugly fetus.

Weren't Paul London and Brian Kendrick in that match when Joey Mercury got his face busted open? See, I barely remembered them. That's because they have no impact in the ring. They look like a bunch of toddlers wielding weapons. No one is afraid of a toddler holding a steel chair. They don't know what to do with it. Hell, they can't even pick it up. Ever wonder why London and Kendrick don't use weapons? It's because they're too heavy. Wait, London and Kendrick won that match? _How_? Oh, it's because they had three other teams doing the dirty work for them. Lazy bitches.

I was watching RAW last week, and I was taken back when I saw them come out to the ring. Their ring attire sucks! It looks like a Mardi Gras clown threw up all over them. Either that or a Technicolor Easter bunny came and threw eggs at them for sucking so much. Good bunny. Doesn't help my eyes, any, though.

Because of London and Kendrick, I am now half considering dragging Christian's ass back from the polluted cesspool that is TNA so we can recreate our old E&C days. Be afraid, ass munchers, be _very_ afraid.

**A/N: For the record, I love London and Kendrick.**

**Read.**

**Review.**

**Love.**


	26. Weight Watcher's Newest Member

**A/N: Okay, Mickie James.**

**I would like you all to know that Mickie _is_ my favorite Diva.**

Mickie James is a lesbian. Don't argue with me and say that she is with Kenny Dykstra. Have you seen her in the ring? She. Is. A. Lesbian. How do I know? Just take a look at her matches. She is always starting at the other girls' chests. She was obsessed with Trish Stratus. She kisses other girls before she kicks their heads off.

Don't get me wrong. Usually, seeing two girls kiss is usually hot. But with Mickie James, she just ruins the whole thing. It's just wrong. If she wants to practice her lesbianism, she should do it behind closed doors where I don't have to see it. It's revolting.

Besides, she looks like a rat. Seriously. Haven't you noticed? She really does look like a fucking mouse. That's horrible. If I looked like an animal as dirty as a fucking rodent, I'd have to jump in front of a train like that Asian chick from _Hostel_ after she saw her face. If for some reason suicide rates skyrocket and all the victims got hit by trains, Mickie James is to blame.

Another reason I believe that Mickie James is a dyke: She "goes out" with Kenny Dykstra. Even his last name gives her away. And he used to be a cheerleader. I _know_ that Kenny is gay, so I think that they pretty much just have lovely gay bashes all the time in their hotel room. They call up all of their sinning friends and have nice gay parties. They only say that they're dating to cover it up.

As much as I love to chronicle the humiliation of my enemies via video tape, I would _never_ wish to video tape one of their gay bashes. I think my eyes would implode into my skull and ricochet off of my brain. That is something that I don't want to think about right now, or ever.

Why does she feel the need to kiss her enemy before kicking them? I mean, sure, Lita used to kiss her victims, but Lita was hot enough for both girls. Besides, Lita didn't suck like Mickie James, either. At least Lita had an original finisher. Mickie James stole _both_ of her finishers from other Divas. She stole the "Mick Kick," which is a horrible name by the way, from Trish Stratus, and she stole the DDT from Lita. Mickie James's DDT is a glorified piece of shit. She just makes it look somewhat better by not doing a standard DDT. At least Lita's had some power behind it that could _really_ knock a bitch out.

Mickie picks the worst people to team up with. First, she teamed with Cody Rhodes, another DDT shit bag. Then she headed down with Paul London and Brian Kendrick. Disgusting. Does she _want_ to lose? The only good thing that she did with those two fuckbags was make fun of Melina. That was hilarious. It would have been more hilarious if I did it, though. I'm the only one who can make you fuckers laugh with like two words.

Now Mickie is pretending to like Trevor Murdoch. Please. That is the _worst_ person to pretend to like if you're trying to pretend that you're straight. Somehow, I think that Mickie is secretly trying to let us know that she's a lesbian by going after these horrible men. Well, we all _know_ that she's a lesbian already, so she really has nothing to hide anymore.

If you're going to stalk a girl, why would you waste your time on Trish Stratus? Ew. I could understand if it was Lita, but besides her, no one else is worth your time.

How is Mickie a Diva? You have to be _in shape_ to be here. Mickie is a fucking fat ass. The only reason she changed her ring gear all of a sudden was because it made her look less fat. I still think she looks fat, though. She _is_ fat.

Instead of calling the insane asylum to take Mickie James away, I'll do her a favor. I'll call Weight Watchers and set her up.

**A/N: I shouldn't try to write while watching "Big Daddy." Never a good combination.**


	27. I Will NOT Tap That

**A/N: I am alive. I was pleased to see some PMs from you, asking me if I was still here. I apologize for the inconvenience. I worked 10 hours yesterday and 9.5 today. Yeah. I have some issues to address:**

**1. Spelling mistakes? THANK YOU! I go by whatever this damn computer says, so I'll try to work them out.**

**2. I read the spoilers for SD, and I knew that whole Vickie thing. That made this chapter even _easier_. I fell asleep halfway through and didn't see the end, but I know what happened.**

I am awesome. I am so amazing. You idiots all actually _believed_ me, didn't you? HA! I deserve an award for the best actor in all of Canada. No, better yet, THE WORLD! Did you fuckbags _honestly_ believe me? I'm glad that you believed me. It makes it even more hilarious for me. I have been blessed with great acting skills, besides the greatest wrestling skills in the world.

Vickie Guerrero is an old hag. Why would I ever go out with her? She isn't even a MILF. I'll tell you why I did, though. It's because I can get what I want by aligning myself with her. She makes all of the decisions on SmackDown. If I'm with her, then I can get whatever the fuck I want without lifting a finger. That's the way the ol' Edgemeister likes it. I already made myself the number one contender for _my_ World Heavyweight Championship. How can you ridicule me for being smart? _I_ ridicule _you_ idiots for being stupid. Ass hats.

I am the best thing that has ever happened to Vickie. I _could_ be a real ass and bash Eddie, but I won't. Eddie Guerrero is one of the _few_ people I respect from the business. Anyways, if I continue this charade, can you imagine what a kick ass dad I would make? Her kids could do whatever the fuck they wanted! I wouldn't care. I'd teach them to be just like me! I'd have Edge-ettes running around. I will spread the way of the Edge throughout the world. The world outside of Canada would be a slightly better place, then. Canada will always be the best because I am from there, of course.

I totally lied when I said that Vickie was the love of my life. Are you kidding me? _Edge_ is the love of my life. I am so god-like that anyone would fall in love with me. I almost have an orgasm from looking in the mirror. I know all of you ladies needed to be hosed down when you saw me return to SmackDown. Even Vickie couldn't contain herself. I don't blame her. I am fucking gorgeous. Tell me otherwise, and see what happens.

You're going to say that I cried like a baby when Undertaker tombstoned her ass, aren't you? Well, fuck heads, those were fake tears. If you believed it, then more power to me. That just makes me more amazing. Please. I love watching other people being beat up. Did you expect me to go after her? How often did I go and save Lita? Barely. Do you honestly think that I would save Vickie? I already got what I wanted out of her. Why should I risk my well being when I already got what I needed? That would make me an idiot, just like you asses.

Vickie even talks like an idiot. Whenever she speaks, it sounds like it's been rehearsed for about seven hours. Actually, it sounds like it's been rehearsed by a retard from the short bus that is ECW and then fed to her like mother birds feed their babies by chewing up the worms and spitting them into the babies mouths. I bet that it was Armando Alejandro Estrada that had that lovely task. I always thought that they would make a cute couple.

How did Vickie weasel her way into the WWE? She probably used Eddie. Damn, that makes her just like Rey Mysterio. Gross.

Did you _really_ believe my SmackDown feat of acting? Good. You all know I'm going to turn on her. Just wait.

**A/N: I _couldn't_ bash Eddie. I just couldn't. Besides, Edge really never said anything bad about him on TV, and…yeah…I'm not pressing the subject any further. I hope you guys respect that decision, though…**

**Review.**


	28. Manazon

**A/N: I am not a big fan of Beth Phoenix, but I don't hate her. She's way better than most of the other girls. And heaven forbid, she can wrestle!**

Wow. Honestly, the first time I ever saw Beth Phoenix, I wondered who the new guy was. Sometimes backstage, I accidentally call her "Burt." Embarrassing? No, not for me. For her, it should be. I find it hilarious when I mistake her for a man. I think that she should be called "Manazon" instead of "Glamazon."

Glamazon? That sounds like a unicorn on cocaine. Seriously. You know it's true. Great, now I sound like Kurt Angle. Anyways, the Glamazon is a rabid beast, but Glamazons are not found in Canada, thank god.

Doesn't she say that she's the perfect combination of beauty and strength? Um, no. Strength? Maybe. I mean, she pretty much is stronger than half of the guys in back. That's scary. NO man wants a beast like that. I'd be afraid that Beth has a penis. I'm serious. We all know that her jaw takes HGH. I've even seen some smart Canadians in the crowd holding signs that said that. It made me smile to know that others see things the way I do. The bottom line is that Beth Phoenix is a dude. Beauty? HELL NO! With that jaw, her name should be Seabiscuit instead of the Glamazon. I think I'd rather bang the horse.

Anyone else notice that she has mounds of fat rolls under her armpits? They just roll over her ring attire. What is that she wears, anyways? I think it's some horrible excuse for a corset. Beth Phoenix is worse than Chyna.

I love it when the Divas botch their entrances. I nearly urinated myself when Melina fell off of the apron at Survivor Series. I cannot wait for the day that Beth Phoenix smacks his head on the turnbuckle when he does that backwards flip thing. Oops, I was just using the masculine tense when describing that. Oh well. You know you can't blame me. Hell, even you fuckbags have probably mistaken her for a man. Even I couldn't make fun of you for that.

Remember when she got her jaw busted open in like her first match? That was great! Wasn't she "good" back then? What happened in her absence? Did she run into some super growth hormones or radioactive waste? Probably. I don't remember her being that manly back then. Then again, she wasn't that rambunctious so I probably didn't even notice her.

Just like I don't think that Rey Mysterio should be allowed to compete for the World Heavyweight Championship, I don't think that Beth Phoenix should be allowed to compete for the Women's Championship. It's insulting to know that Beth is holding the title that Lita helped revolutionize. Lita was never holding that much testosterone in her body like Beth does. It's gross. It's revolting. That should be illegal.

Beth is the kind of dude that makes me want to shank them with a tranquilizer gun. Actually, it would be like Big Show getting shot with the tranquilizer all over again. Can you imagine that? I would even dress the part. I would wear all black and even have one of those sweet ski masks. It would be my greatest accomplishment. Yes, that would be greater than spearing Cena's bloody ass twice to win the WWE Championship.

I can imagine it now. I would have one of those cameras that I could hook up to film my face all Blair Witch-like. Oh, man, I would even provide commentary. It would go something like this:

Oh, here it is, kiddos. Here is the elusive Glamazon, stalking her prey in the ring. This tranquilizer gun is her only weakness. If I shoot her, she will fall and I will be triumphant. Look at that ugly face. Can you just imagine how brilliant her head would look above my mantel with the rest of my finds?

Oh, yeah. It would _so_ be like Crocodile Hunter. I would call it "Edge: The Great One."

Yep, I _am_ insinuating that I am greater than the Rock. You all know it.

Hey, does Beth Phoenix happen to be Jay Leno's sister? They _do_ have the same chin.

**A/N: I've been getting a lot of requests for this one, so here you go.**

**Review. I like to have an average of ten a chapter.**


	29. The First Man With AIDS

**A/N: I'm fighting writer's block on my other story, so I'm attempting this. You have all once again failed me on my average reviews. Sigh This is ridiculous. Yet, I continue on like nothing is wrong. And I do think that Flair is amazing.**

In honor of Ric Flair returning to RAW tonight, I think I shall speak my amazing little mind on him. How old is he now, like ninety-six? That's a bit too old to still be around. Of course, _I'd_ be able to do it no problem. Ric just sucks.

Flair has a vagina head. Now, before you start laughing your ugly little asses off because you thought that line was brilliant, let me explain its brilliance. It's because he bleeds out of his head more than a woman does on her time of the month. You know it's true. I could lightly poke his forehead with a thumbtack and I would drown in blood. Not even Moses could part that red sea. I'd probably get AIDS, though, since Ric claims to have slept with like a zillion chicks. If Ric has AIDS, it's not because of that. It's because when AIDS first started, it was a disease within the gay community. And since Ric was around when AIDS first started…I think he's the first person to have contracted it.

Does Ric even have any muscles left? Or did they deteriorate with the rest of his rickety body? His pectoral muscles look like two empty pillow cases billowing in the wind. Also, his stomach is that of a pregnant woman. Take a look at it if you don't believe me. It billows out like he ate a globe or something. I wouldn't doubt that.

Why doesn't Ric just accept the fact that he's old? He still feels the need to bleach his hair blonde all the time. Does he not realize that the gray will not go away? It's a part of life. Of course _I_ will never get gray hair because I'm much more awesome than all of you. We already have Mr. Kennedy running around as a bottle blonde, and we don't need his ninety year old twin.

If I didn't know that Ric had AIDS, I'd have sworn that he was the ninety year old virgin.

And remember when that obnoxious "Sign Guy" made that sign about Lita that claimed that she was the spokes model for Trojan? Well, that is not true. RIC FLAIR is the spokes model for Trojan. He can be the person who says that it is very important for gays to use condoms, as well. I'm just looking out for everyone's safety, here. After all, I do care about the well being of my Edgeheads.

Four Horsemen? Okay, no matter how bad Randy Orton is, Rated-RKO could have kicked their asses any day. Is Ric honestly still living off that glory? That's ridiculous. He should know when to quit. He had like one good thing and now he thinks that he's god's gift to wrestling. _Edge_ is god's gift to wrestling. I've done more for the business than Ric ever has. All he's done is bleed a lot. I've revolutionized the ladder match, ended John Cena's title reign, pinned Undertaker to win the World Heavyweight Championship…the list goes on and on. I don't care if Ric was a "sixteen time wooo heavyweight champion." I. Don't. Care. Why should I? I know that I'm better. So Ric likes to brag about his number of championships? Oh dear, we've got another Triple H running around.

Ric is old. Ric sucks. Ric is gay.

Don't even get me started on that "woo" thing. You know how he started off with that? The first time he ever took it from behind, that's the sound me made.

**A/N: I just updated three stories in like half an hour. I'm tired now, and will be gallivanting to the mall.**


	30. The Royal Pedophile

**A/N: Fuck RAW tonight. Fuck it.**

King is a pedophile. Have you seen the faces he makes when the Divas come out? I think that's disturbing to see. Do you know why? It's because when the oldest Diva was born, King was like fifty years old. Even when Beth Phoenix comes out, King gets a hard on. Why do you think he chooses to hide behind the announcer's table all the time? If King can so easily get a hard on off of Beth Phoenix, it certainly makes me question his sexuality.

Do _not_ give me this bullshit about disrespecting Hall of Fame legends. Do I care? No. Does Jerry Lawler _deserve_ my respect? Hell no. The only reason that I'm giving you assholes the pleasure of listening to me rant about him is because he's still technically on the roster.

It appears as if losers like Jerry Lawler are notorious for coining useless phrases such as "puppies." I think that Jerry Lawler should be arrested for the misuse and mistreatment of animals. That is no way to reference an animal. In case you didn't know, Lita and I were _very _passionate about PETA. I even played for the Humane Society when I was on Weakest Link, damnit! I find that so wrong. And you people thought that Edge had no heart. Of course I have a heart. It just doesn't beat for any of you nimrods.

You know how they say that Mick Foley is the king of the cheap pop? I think that Jerry here might be giving him a run for his money. Jerry Lawler should not even be considered popular for what he does. He tries to knock out low card wrestlers to boost his own popularity. Because, you know, "beating the crap" out of Santino Marella after Chris Jericho already had his way with him _really_ makes you look cool. I think that Jerry Lawler just likes Italian men. Hey, that makes two! Cena, King, and Santino can all have a gay threesome together. Again, I would _not_ video tape it.

Do you see the look on King's face when _any_ Diva comes out to the ring? It's odd. It looks like he's high, drunk, stoned, and about to puke at the same time. That is the look of obvious forced pleasure. He doesn't really think that those girls are pretty. Who would? He's attempting to hide his homosexuality, just like all of the other guys in back. Am I the only real dude in back? I speak my mind. You _always_ know how Edge feels. Don't say that I fool you when I trick people. It's not my fault that you idiots are stupid enough to fall for my devious plots.

There is a _reason_ that Jerry Lawler doesn't wrestle anymore. They won't let him. Why? No one wants to see him in that leotard with his nasty chest hair hanging out. That's why Jerry feels the need to attack everyone. It's the only way he can get a "good" "fight" in while not burning out the eyes of the world. Maybe you Americans like that kind of thing. Normal men in Canada sure don't. Even the ladies don't. Edge is the perfect poster boy for male perfection in Canada. Remember that.

I think I'll dress up as King next year for Halloween instead of whoever I previously said I was going to do. That would scare not only small children, but also men and women. The more people I scare, the more fun I have. That makes me happy. When Edge is happy, the world is happy. When Edge is upset, the world cries. Don't upset Edge. That's why your homes are destroyed in tornadoes and hurricanes and other natural disasters. Blame Jerry Lawler. It makes things easier. It's what I do!

**A/N: I was inspired to do this after King got a cheap shot on Santino after his match with Jericho. Not cool.**


	31. John is a Butt Licker

**A/N: Finally, we're back on track for the average of ten reviews per chapter. Nice work. I'm in psyche class right now, and have a four page paper due tomorrow that I haven't started yet. Yet, this is still my top priority.**

Okay, how old is JBL now? Didn't he say he retired from wrestling? Apparently, he's making his return. I am so lucky that the fat fuck known as JBL is on SmackDown. When I spear him, it won't hurt me as much because he has so much padding.

JBL is spreading lies about losing weight.

It's a good thing that JBL is sticking to his initials for the most part. If I had that face, I wouldn't want my last name to be "Layfield." _Edge_ gets laid everywhere. I've even gotten it done in a good field or two. JBL has not.

Did you know that before wrestling, JBL used to work as a mall Santa? Yeah! That's why he looked so at home in that outfit during Tribute to the Troops in Iraq.

As much as I hate Michael Cole, I wish that Michael Cole's dick loving ass would take that damn microphone away from JBL. I don't want to hear JBL talk about the future Mrs. Layfield because he changes it every week. I don't want to hear about how much money he has. He doesn't have anything. He is not a banker or a stock market player. He jumps strippers as they leave the strip clubs and steals their tips from the night. He makes strippers poor. Poor strippers turn into crack whores. If you ever see a crack whore, then you know that she was once a stripper that got jumped by JBL. _That's_ how he buys those horrendous suits. I don't want to hear how much homo love he has for MVP. MVP sucks, JBL. No wonder you love him. That, kids, was a sexual innuendo, and I'm pretty sure that you didn't get it until I told you what it was. Dumbasses.

**J**ohn is a **B**utt **L**icker. That's what JBL _really_ stands for. I'm talking about John Cena, of course, or anyone named John that isn't from Canada. My real name is Adam, so I don't have to worry about that.

JBL sucks. He sucks many things, and none of them are clean.

Is JBL trying to rip off JR with that ugly cowboy hat? I bet that JBL would like to save a horse and ride a cowboy, if you know what I'm saying.

JBL has man boobs. That's sick. No man should ever come close to having boobs. I think that JBL really enjoys playing with his boobs. That's disturbing. I bet he fondles them while looking at MVP.

He gave MVP a ring. I bet that was his secret way of proposing to him. I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, did you see his face when MVP came out? If his pants weren't so baggy, I bet you could see JBL pop his little boner right there. I bet he really did, but it was so small that not even the most powerful microscope in all the land could even begin to get close enough to capture it. MVP did accept the ring. Hey, JBL, I want an invite to the wedding. If I don't get one, I'll crash it anyway. And since it's a gay wedding, I hope you invite some hot lesbians. I'd show them a good time with the Rated-R Superstar, if you know what I'm saying, ass chumps.

JBL got his ass punked when Cryme Tyme so rudely interrupted Lita's goodbye to the WWE. No, JBL, you were not the only guy who didn't own a "copy" of Lita's panties. Some men just have cheap knockoff copies that losers forged to make a buck or two. I have all the _real_ ones. That dumb fuck JBL gave Cryme Tyme a fucking hundred dollar bill and expected the idiots to give him change. First of all, JBL should have known better. Second, Cryme Tyme can't give change back because they don't know how to count. They don't learn that kind of stuff in the "hood." The only good thing about Cryme Tyme taking her stuff was because the camera was on me while they were doing it. I knew they were sneaking into her locker room. Why did I let them do it? Because that stuff wasn't hers. We planted fake merchandise there. It was really JBL's.

One time, during the old Rated-RKO days, Randy and I raided JBL's suitcase. You know what we found? We found a bunch of sappy romance novels and some notes. It turns out that JBL is really a romance novelist who is published under a fake name. JBL says that he started a company. That company is really a publishing corporation for his romance novels. Most of the men he describes are reminiscent of John Cena. I think he has a little crush on Cena. They can be John-squared.

JBL sucks. Really, he does.

**A/N: Ugh. I can't believe Tila got rid of Ryan. HE IS SO HOT!**

**Good thing that Dani is winning, anyways.**

**Review.**

**Spiffy, I **_**totally**_** had this chapter typed up before I got your review.**


	32. Hey, It's Franklin!

**A/N: Today was the best day of my life. For more info, see the profile.**

**Spiffy, I didn't mean it like that. I meant it like it was hilarious that I had that done and that's what you wanted.**

**Oh, and did I mention that today freakin' rocked? It's almost like Brit's story is coming true…Finally, something **_**good**_** happened at Game Stop.**

Bobby Lashley makes me want to puke. I was so glad that he and I were injured around the same time. That way, when I watched WWE on television at my lovely home in the even lovelier Canada, I didn't have to see him. It was refreshing. Unfortunately, I was still not so graced with John Cena's presence, but once again, that is another story for another time. But I'm glad that fucker is gone, too.

Lashley is _lucky_ that he got drafted to RAW from ECW. With that talent exchange between ECW and SmackDown, it was only a matter of time before I speared Lashley's ass into JBL's lap. I bet they both would like that.

Lashley stole my finisher, the unoriginal jerk. Why can't he just stick with that whole Dominator bullshit? The spear is MINE! My spear is definitely better than Lashley's.

I think that Lashley pumps the 'roids in one area, and one area only. That is his shoulders. Have you see his shoulder muscles by his neck? That's revolting. It's like he got implants or something.

Lashley looks like Wayne Brady. I think I would kill myself. Looking like that guy is punishment enough. It sucks for Lashley that there's so much more wrong with him.

I did my research only to find that Bobby Lashley's _real_ first name is Franklin. FRANKLIN! It's like that turtle show on that kid channel. That's great! Sucks for Franklin, though. I think I'm going to have to start referring to him in person as Franklin. I bet he'd try to get back at me. Too fucking bad. I'd kill that guy. Bobby may have muscles, but I've got smarts _and_ muscles.

If you suck at wrestling, you could at least have decent microphone skills. Franklin the turtle can neither wrestle, nor can he speak. Whenever he speaks, it sounds like fucking Billy Madison himself is out in the ring having a party. At least Billy Madison was kind of a funny movie. Okay, Bobby Lashley sounds more like a retard on steroids that gets nervous around John Cena. As much as I hate both Franklin and ol' Johnny boy, their little "verbal debate" was hilarious. It was funny to see Cena make an ass out of himself when the crowd _clearly_ didn't like him that night. It was even better when they allowed Lashley to be in possession of a microphone. I think that should be illegal. You know how people get arrested for possession of drugs and weapons? I think I should have dressed up like a police officer and arrested Lashley for possession of a weapon. I know what you fuckbags are thinking: _A microphone isn't a weapon_. Um, yes, it is. It is if it's making my fucking ears bleed.

Bobby Lashley is bald, bald I tell you! That sucks. Maybe I should volunteer him for one of those Bosley commercials. That would be hilarious to hear him talk about it. It would be like:

Bobby: I, um…loved this…what was it? Oh yeah, "Boshie" hair replenishing system or something…

I love myself sometimes. No, make that _all_ the time.

This is why Bobby Lashley had to go to ECW: Everyone sucked on Bobby Lashley, just like him. He was afraid of John Cena, so he didn't want to go on RAW. I was on RAW at the time, as well, so he didn't want any piece of me. Damn straight. I believe he was on SmackDown prior to ECW. He was on SmackDown prior to ECW. He must have heard that I was coming. That meant the only "safe" place was ECW. I would rather die than go to ECW. It's horrible. I am not a retard.

I think it was Lashley that turned ECW into a retard circus.

I am sick of hearing how "athletic" Bobby Lashley is. I do not care if he has a four foot vertical leap. I do not care if he can just simply jump up the four feet onto the ring with no momentum. I'll tell you that when I'm lying down and I'm happy, I have a four foot vertical something else. My four foot vertical _kills_ Franklin's.

I think I'm going to buy a snapping turtle, name it Franklin, and then set him loose on Lashley for stealing his name.

**A/N: I forgot to mention that I hate Bobby Lashley. My brother likes him for some reason that I do not understand.**

**Review…**


	33. I'll Put You Back Into That Coma

**A/N: Yes, today is that fateful day of promise. I promised you seven updates, and you'll get them. This being my most popular story, I shall address some issues once again.**

**Updated profile.**

Teddy Long needs to go and get his ass back into that coma he crawled out of. What business does he have to come back so soon? Sure, even though I don't like Vickie, I at least enjoyed what she had done for me. Who wouldn't? Teddy Long hates me! I am ashamed to admit this, but I honestly believe that Teddy Long is one of the few straight men in the back. He doesn't love Edge, therefore, he must not be gay. Not that I'm complaining, or anything. I just find it strange. 

We don't need a General Manager on SmackDown! I can just run the show on my own. It would be much better. Instead of SmackDown, I think I'd just run my "Edge: The Great One" show. It would garner much higher ratings than SmackDown does because the show would be all about me! I'd stick Batista in a cage, and in order to convince him to do it, I'd "pay him handsomely." Yeah, I'd pay him…with a faulty check.

I think that Lashley and Teddy just might be related. They both look like turtles! Lashley is named after a fucking turtle…and Teddy just looks like an old sea turtle that's about to croak. It looks even more like that because Teddy wears those oversized suits. I think he's trying to be like Viscera. Viscera NO!

Who would marry Kristal? _Clearly_, she was a two bit, money grubbing skank bag with anorexia. That's sick. I am so glad I missed that wedding. I wouldn't even have showed. I'd have to hear Jillian sing, which is never good, and see a bunch of "hoes." I'd just take the hoes with me and leave all the men to play with themselves…or each other. As long as I'm not there…

I have NO respect for people who jack other peoples' shit. Teddy totally ripped off Vickie's tremendous speech from when she gave me a title shot. Who cares about Undertaker? He's going to retire soon. We all know it, and no one cares. Teddy, what are you doing to society? Because of you, the Edgeheads are forced to sit through less camera time for Edge at Armageddon because they stupid camera fucks will be too busy staring at Undertaker. I'd make a better camera man than them. Hell, I _was_ a better camera man than them at Survivor Series. I think that was the best piece of cinematography ever. I deserve an Oscar.

I just thought I should tell you that I was perusing the spoiler archives for SmackDown tapings, and some great person submitted something like this: "And then we see another video package about Edge telling us how great he is." That bitch _better_ have agreed with me. I am fucking awesome. Teddy, are you listening? The people want EDGE, not the Undertaker!

I wish I put Teddy into that coma. Why did he even go in the first place? Maybe it was because Kristal was too damn ugly. Oh, and because she fell down the stairs. I almost forgot about that part…Now I remember, and it's hilarious! I think they edited that out for television, though. For those of you idiots that don't know, when she was walking up the stairs, she tripped on her dress and fell. HA!

Teddy, you better go back to that hospital ASAP or I will put you there myself.

**A/N: I'm putting this up now instead of way later after RAW like I had intended.**

**Update one of seven is DONE for the night.**

**7.5 hours until RAW at the time of this typing**

**Review/alert/fav**


	34. Rock Band Loser

**A/N: As I write, I am in tears. My little sister has just informed me that my father does not want to see me over Christmas. Do I blame him? No, I really don't. Actually, it wasn't him. It was his she-devil wife. I hate that woman more than anything. My hate for her nearly surpasses my love of wrestling. I ran away to their home almost a year ago. At Thanksgiving, I told my father not to get me anything for Christmas when he asked what I wanted. He was okay with that. My step-mom found out, and her response was "well then I don't want her to come to Christmas." Fuck that fucking bitch. My aunts are going to snap on her. And I will laugh.**

What can I say about Jeff Hardy? Well, I'll tell you that it isn't much. I don't think very highly of Jeff Hardy. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Matt Hardy is more of a man than Jeff Hardy is. Why? At least Matt has some balls, although they clearly aren't very noticeable. Jeff Hardy does nothing.

I'll start on the hair since that's what he's the most famous for. That's pretty weak if your trademark thing is your hair. My trademark thing is kicking the ass of America and the world with a ten foot ladder. I enjoy that. Does Jeff Hardy actually _enjoy_ being compared to a rainbow? That is the most blatant use of homosexuality I've ever heard. JR is an idiot, and even he can realize that Jeff Hardy likes to play with fire. When I say that, I mean that Jeff Hardy is a flamer. I like to use metaphors a lot because they prove that I'm smarter than you ass chumps. I understand them and you don't. Ha. I think I would have to jump off of a bunch of ladders too if I were called "The Rainbow Haired Warrior." That's the worst nickname ever. "The Rated-R Superstar" has a nice ring to it. I do not want to be anything close to a rainbow, nor do I want to be a warrior. When I think of a warrior, I think of the Ultimate Warrior, and that is never a good thing. Either I think of that or some creep Greek guy is a loincloth. Sickening. That's Jeff Hardy's cup of tea, not mine.

One of the greatest spears I've ever pulled off was on Jeff Hardy. It was at Wrestlemania X-7 in that TLC match. Christian and I rocked hardcore, of course. We totally won that match. I remember that Jeff Hardy was trying to walk across three ladders to the title belts, thinking he was all cool and stuff. Me being smart, I waited in the wings for my opportunity. I almost broke a rib from laughing so hard when that last ladder fell. He thought he was so badass. _I_ am badass. It was so funny watching Jeff Hardy squirm around like a bug trapped in a spider's web when he dangled from the title belts. It was hilarious! Of course, I had to ruin the fun for myself and give you viewers a treat. 'Tis the giving season this time of year, after all. I climbed up that all too forgotten ladder and then leaped across the ring, spearing Jeff Hardy and bringing him crashing down to the mat. No one else but me could have pulled off that kind of stunt. Do not mock me and talk about how great the Swanton Bomb is. A fucking five year old could do the Swanton Bomb. I see all those little girls to it in their gymnastics competitions in the Olympics. It's not that difficult. I could easily pull off a weak ass stunt like that. I just choose not to. I refuse to pull myself down to the level of Jeff Hardy.

Another thing about his hair: Men are not supposed to change their hair color and definitely not that frequently. He changes hair color more often than I change condoms, and that's a lot.

He really does look like Vanilla Ice. Isn't he proud of that or something? I think I'd shoot myself. Vanilla Ice was a one hit wonder, kind of like Jeff Hardy.

What's up with the facial hair? Your face is not some sort of sculpture. Use a razor like a normal person. It looks like Jeff Hardy got in a fight with a razor blade…and lost.

Why do women still like him? I mean, it's not that obvious, but JR really makes a good point of it. I think that JR might like Jeff…

Jeff Hardy is not a little rock star. Edge is more of a rock star than anyone on the damn roster. Just because Jeff has a band doesn't make him cool. It's probably him, Matt, Shannon Moore, and Gregory Helms. Ten bucks say that they just go to Shannon's broken down house and play that stupid Rock Band game like a bunch of nerds. Jeff is probably the singer since he has no talent to play an instrument. Matt is the bass player because no one cares about them. Shannon probably plays the guitar so he can pretend he's cool. Helms is definitely the drummer.

**A/N: A couple of new fics up. Hit up the profile page.**

**I'm running out of steam…slowly, but surely. I refuse to disappoint, though.**

**Review/alert/fav**


	35. Worst Divas Ever

**A/N: YES! I've scoured the home computer and I found this. So, now everything with "Razor's Edge" is back up to par.**

I'm running out of dumb shits to make fun of! This is getting kind of sad. I think I need to make this an über chapter to build my steam back up.

I like making fun of the pathetic scum that you ass hats like to call "Divas." Yes, I think that I shall make fun of your favorite STD carrying wastes of sperm. I'll speak briefly, but powerfully, on Kelly Kelly, Layla, Eve, Anastacia, and Maryse.

I'll start on Maryse. The French suck. Maryse makes me embarrassed that the Canadians are sometimes associated with the French. Her hair is heinously blonde to the point where I think it's going to start on fire because there is so much bleach in there. Her boobs are so clearly fake, as well. I mean, girls complain when they're asked if their tits are fake or not. Blame Maryse. That's disgusting. They look like two revolting pimples shoved in a cheap bra. I think that her implants might be radiating toxic waste.

Has she even wrestled in a single match? I bet if she did, her fucking boobs would explode all over her opponent and they'd die from poisoning.

She got voted out of the Diva search for a _reason_. Hell, all of them sucked.

Now I'll talk about the actual "winner" of that particular Diva search: Layla.

Thanks, idiot fans, because we _really_ needed a female Carlito running around. Since ECW and SmackDown travel together, I am unfortunate enough to run into Layla often. She really is quite hairy. ECW is really on a time lapse of about five minutes from the live showing because editing has quite a job of making Layla presentable for television. She looks like fucking Chewbacca. Hey, you fuckbags voted her into the WWE, not me.

Since Booker is gone, I can freely make fun of him. I think that Layla is his long lost daughter. Her and Sharmell are equally hideous, so it only makes sense.

How did Layla become a heel? All of a sudden, she was "bad." You cannot do that. You have to do _something_ to turn against your opponent. Maybe she actually did do something, but I highly doubt it. I probably missed it because I don't care.

Wasn't she in only like three matches? Why the hell is she here if she has no interest in wrestling? She'll be gone soon, anyways.

I really do not wish to get started on the worst Diva ever, Kelly Kelly, but I will since I know that you put her on a pedestal for some stupid reason. She's revolting. She has to be a ho bag for entering the WWE when she was only nineteen years old. She didn't want to wrestle. She was, and still is, only here because she wants horny men to stare at her. She's not even that pretty. Her hair looks like a fucking 80s porn star.

Remember when she did that stupid expose thing? I was like "KEEP IT ON! KEEP IT ON!" No one wants to see that! It's kind of like being a pedophile because she's so young. Hey, King, that's right up your alley!

She even dates Test. Revolting. Isn't he getting up to about Ric Flair's age now?

I remember when Anastacia first came to SmackDown. I saw her and I thought to myself, _Hey, who let Bunnicula run around here?_ For you freaks that don't know a good piece of literature when you see one, Bunnicula is a vampire rabbit who looks _just_ like Anastacia.

She lost that Pussycat Doll show. The Pussycat Dolls are the worst thing since the Spice Girls. Their songs suck. Who would want to be one? Apparently, Anastacia does. WWE was her _second_ choice. I bet she'll never wrestle.

I can't stand it when she interviews people. She sounds like a guy.

Looks like I can't say anything else about her since she just got here. I'll give her another month.

Last and certainly least, we have Eve. I can't believe you scumbags! While you were voting for a man to win the Diva Search, I was sending not so anonymous e-mails to Michael Cole, demanding him to cancel the Diva Search. I haven't gotten a reply.

She really does look like a guy. She had broader shoulders than Triple H. If you look at the Divas section on the website, her picture looks like a drag queen version of Melina. At least Melina looks like a girl. Eve looks like a drag queen impersonation of one.

I just checked her wikipedia page. She used to be a dancer for the LA Clippers. HA! I am rolling on the floor from laughter now. They suck! No wonder she's ugly. I'm going to take a quote from the movie "Love and Basketball." That's a crappy movie, but this just works. It's when that girl totally kicked that kid's ass in basketball or something and they're walking around and she finds out that his dad plays for them. She's like, "Your dad plays for the crappiest team in the NBA." So true. Eve, you danced for the crappiest team in the NBA. No wonder they were the only ones that would hire you. What did you do, threaten to toss them with your Paul Bunyan arms?

Stephanie, do me a favor. Release all five of those whores NOW!

**A/N: These are my five least favorite divas. Word.**

**Review.**


	36. Softcore Molly

**A/N: If you are reading this, then it must mean that this website has stopped being retarded.**

**It is finally time for me to make fun of my personal most hated Superstar: Hardcore Holly. Don't like it? I didn't ask you to read this. It is really no big secret that I hate this guy. Not only was I there for when he did his heel turn on ECW, but I was there for his return to RAW. Um...yeah...**

Hardcore Holly looks like a sixty year old trailer trash version of Eminem on crack.

Why does he call himself "hardcore?" just because he tore his back on ECW does not make him qualified to be described as hardcore. That's horrendous alliteration. Holly is a girlie name. He's kind of awkward in that "boy named Sue" kind of way.

Speaking of Hardcore Holly's terrible name, I have my own little nickname for him that I like to use: Softcore Molly.

I do not care if he's one half of the World Tag Team Champions. Taking a look at his partner only makes it worse. Cody is so horrible that not even his own father would tag team it up with him. What does Holly see in that kid, anyway? Holly, clearly your old age is affecting your sight. I think I'll be the gentleman that I am and steal Rick Flair's bifocals for you to borrow. Since Rated-RKO was in attendance, we should have gone down there and stolen those titles back. It would have been like taking candy from a baby. Let me rephrase that. It would have been like taking candy from a baby and an old geezer.

I bet you that he _liked_ slapping little Cody like that. Please. If he really wanted to piss the kid off, he would have hit him harder than that. That was a pussy slap. I guess that I will have to give Holly some sort of recognition from the night he returned to RAW. He made that crowd turn against Cody instantly. It made me laugh. Too bad they both suck, though. That crowd was stupid. I know that if I was there, they would have been cheering for me all night. Even when Cena was out there, they'd be like, "WE WANT EDGE!" Wait, maybe they aren't that smart. It _was_ Milwaukee, after all.

I'm glad that he took that stupid little question out of his damn entrance theme. I think that DX needs to take a page out of ol' Holly's book. No, Holly, I still hate you. The real question, Hardcore Holly, is: How do you like _me_ now that I've ridiculed your ass just like everyone else? Not so tough now, are you, Softcore?

Oh, what are you going to do? Are you going to point to that stupid scare on your back? WEAK! I've endured second degree burns from spearing Mick Foley through a burning table at Wrestlemania in a hardcore match. Don't even think about giving me that bullshit about your back in an Extreme Rules match. ECW is _not_ extreme. There shouldn't even be an Extreme Rules match. It's exactly the same thing as a hardcore match. It is a piss poor attempt at glorifying the hardcore match, meaning that it sucks.

Are you done crying about your little staph infection yet? Okay, _maybe_ if you had your arm amputated like you were supposed to, that might have given you the right to call yourself hardcore.

The real reason that Holly likes to call himself hardcore: He likes hardcore gay porn.

And you suck, Holly. Congratulations. You've graduated from the retard show. Nah, they just passed you because they didn't want to see your cracked out face any longer.

**A/N: Making fun of Hardcore Holly makes me feel better.**

**Review.**


	37. They Suck

**A/N: In honor of me not having to work during SmackDown on Friday, here is an update. I love Edge. This is amazing. Whoever the creative writer is that had the idea of recruiting the Major Brothers to be Edge's minions, I bow down to you. I think they've been reading my stuff…recruiting minions and everything. I also bow down to whoever the GENIUS was that decided that Rated-RKO should be the champions AT THE SAME TIME! This is great! AND Cody's a tag champ! BAH GAWD this is amazing.**

**Edge bashes a lot of people in this one.**

I hate ring announcers. They suck. Let my entrance speak for itself, ass wipes. I don't need them fucking up my mojo like that. I am awesome. They are not. I hate commentators, too. They don't do me justice. I'll give all these horrible wannabe Edge minions their own sections. God, I hate them.

Public enemy number one: Lillian Garcia

YUCK! I SWEAR, I'D RATHER HEAR JILLIAN SING! Okay, that's a long shot, but she still sucks. That's why I hide when she sings the National Anthem before each show. Actually, I believe that she was one of the reasons I left RAW. I don't need my eardrums shattered by her crap. I need them to hear the crowd chanting for me.

I hate how her voice changes whenever she announces someone foreign. I mean, sure, okay, she may have a tad bit of Spanish in her. Good for her, she can speak another language. You don't need to shove it in our faces when you announce Santino Marella's name. Wait, that fucker is Italian, not Spanish. Why, Lillian, do you insist on changing your voice? You are not a little boy going through puberty. At least, I hope not. Can't you just pronounce names normally? I mean, technically, I'm foreign, but you don't hear me changing my accent to sound cool. I love my Canadian accent.

Her album sucked. How do I know that? Hell, I'd never listen to it. I keep up on the music charts. I'm a music guy. You know that. Anyways, I don't even think it reached like number 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.

Public enemy number two: Jim Ross

Okay, rhinestone cowboy. No wonder JBL looks up to you.

He's old. He's fat. He says the same thing over and over again.

No one is running like a scalded dog.

No one is being beaten like a government mule.

JR, are you trying to insinuate that you are smarter than everyone else since your horrible analogies do not make sense to Canadians? Well, let me tell you something, guy. You suck.

Hall of fame my ass. I'll get into the HoF by actually doing stuff. You just got in there my sitting on your fat ass and jabbering nonsense with King. Gross. I would rather die than have my name be synonymous with a cradle robbing freak like King.

Public enemy number three: Tazz

Ha! I'm not even wasting my time on this. He's so morbidly obese. He's like Big Daddy V's mobster cousin.

Cut back on the pizza, man.

Wasn't he the innovator of the retard circus?

Public enemy number four: Tony Chimel

Who? This guy is so bad that he got demoted to the retard circus. That needs no explanation.

Public enemy number five: Justin Roberts

Wasn't he just some lame guy they found outside a gay bar? I'm surprised that I even remembered his name, let alone that he's the SmackDown ring announcer. He looks like Todd Grisham's straight brother.

Public enemy number six: Michael fucking Cole

Okay, John Cena was right about one thing: Michael Cole doesn't like boobies. That man is such a dick lover. Only a gay man would put up with JBL like that.

Did you know that Michael Cole runs the WWE website? Well, if you didn't, now you do. There is a reason he's taken this job, though. It's so he can look up gay porn all day at work and waste company time. Jackass.

Public enemy number seven: Todd Grisham

I can't believe he's taking a back seat to Maria's dumb ass. AND he got demoted to doing the Diva Search. GROSS!

Did anyone else see that Diva Search video with Todd Grisham in the bed? OH MY GOD! I wanted to pour bleach in my eyes so I'd never have to stumble across that again. The things that are allowed to be put on youtube these days…

I always loved having Todd interview me. He was so easy to mess with. I mean, the guy just sits there and takes it like a little bitch! I should have taken his glasses and stomped on them. That would have made me giggle, and not much makes me giggle.

Public enemy number eight: Joey Styles

OH MY GOD he sucks. That's basically it.

I mean, I suppose I should give him props for graduating from the old ECW to RAW like two years ago.

But then I laugh because he got sent back to the new and not improved ECW. That's great! That just shows how much he sucks. It's the ultimate insult to get sent to ECW. Take that, Chimel.

Now I'm bored. Talking about all these jerks made me hungry. I'm going to have Vickie make me dinner while I celebrate my AWESOME championship victory with the Major Brothers.

**A/N: I've figured out who my next victim is. YES!**

**Review.**


	38. My Ugly Twins

**A/N: You know, I thought I was having a good day.**

**Anyways…**

You people know how I roll. If someone joins my forces, it just means that they are taken up a peg…_for now_. The Major Brothers are pretty cool for what they did, but who wouldn't bow down at my feet? They honestly think that I'm going to pay them off by helping them become the WWE Tag Team Champions.

Fat chance. I mean, sure, I'll _pretend_ to give up my part of the bribe. But we all know that they won't win.

Remember, it's not what Edge can do for you. It's what _you_ can do for Edge.

The Major Brothers aren't even brothers. The WWE website has already revealed that little fact. Why would they pretend to be brothers? Are they trying to be a less cool version of the Hardys? Well, no one can be less cool than the Hardys.

Those kids are definitely hooked on Laguna Beach. My blonde hair is awesome. Their's isn't. They look way too California to be taken seriously. Remember the _old_ American Gladiators? I mean the good stuff, not this new Hulk Hogan bullshit. Well, Brett and Brian, or whatever their real names are, look like fucking Malibu and Viper, those faggots. Why would you want to look like them? They were 'roided up freaks that didn't know how to play a real sport like hockey.

There is one good thing about these, kids, though. Those kids hit the mother fucking genetic lottery. Do you know why? Because they looked enough like me to fool your two SmackDown kings, Batista and Undertaker. Fools! They should be glad that they can look in the mirror and say that they resemble me. It's a good thing that I'm still hella sexier.

You know what? These kids are such loser freaks that I don't feel like wasting my time on them any longer. I already got what I wanted, so I don't need to worry about it any more. I'm just getting ready to watch myself on SmackDown this week because we already taped that shit. You are going to love it.

Peace, fuckers.

**A/N: They're too new…I can't say much more.**

**Review.**

**I think Vinnie Mac is next.**

**Review.**


	39. Can't Even Find a Date on EHarmony

**A/N: It's been a while.**

**I've considered deleting this whole story. Really. I hate what has stemmed from it...and it's not pretty. I'm destroying myself with this.**

**But I won't quit it.**

**Here's some Vinnie Mac for you all.**

Where do I start on Vincent Kennedy McMahon?

I could start on his family.

I could start on his stupid power walk.

I could start on how wrong his assumptions about himself are.

I will speak on all of that.

But I'm going to start on his raisins. Vince McMahon has no fucking right to strut around like he has an enormous wedgie and claim that he has "grapefruits." No, Vince, you are not a tree wielding tropical fruits. Hell, you're from fucking Greenwich, Connecticut. There is nothing tropical about Connecticut. I mean, I have huge balls but you don't see me walking around like a nerd in high school that just got his fucking tightie whities ripped up his asshole. Fuck. No self respecting man runs around talking about how large he is, except me. I can only do that because it's true. Let's look at the other fucks that do that. Balls Mahoney: Yeah, right. DX: ...That's a disgrace. I can't continue on with that list. It is making me want to puke.

I suppose that the power walk would come along with with Vince thinking he has colossal grapefruits like I do. He only does that to make you _think_ he's got some huge ones. It's also a very good workout, and he needs it. It can be tiring flailing your arms around like a dying dolphin being eaten by a shark. But I'll give Vince McMahon his due. At least he has the stamina to be able to do that walk all the way down the ring. Most guys his age wouldn't be able to be active for that long. Look at Ric Flair. A lot of people claim that _I_ have a little strut that I do when going down to the ring. What the fuck? So I cock my head a couple of times. So what? It's just because I know how awesome I am. If I ever walk like that, it's just because I'm sore from all the awesome sex I get. Of course, Vince wouldn't know about awesome sex. He's too busy fucking mythical beasts.

That brings me to my next point: his family. Linda McMahon: She is probably the sweetest of the McMahons, but she is still a horrid bitch. Who befriends Jim Ross? I did say that I enjoyed it when old JR was apologizing for Linda being Stunned, but then she fired his ass. Go Linda! Thank you for doing what we've all been wanting to see. I still hate her, though. She looks like an even more lesbian version of Hilary Clinton. Yeah, I'll talk more about her later. All I have to say is that she must have been on some serious crack to have married Vince McMahon. Stephanie McMahon: She doesn't even deserve Vince's money. She will come later, as well. She needs her own section. Shane McMahon: What money? He didn't earn any of it. Vince didn't really earn any, either. It was all handed to him for sitting there like a little bitch. Yeah, Shane's section will come later. Finally, Hornswoggle: It is the ultimate insult to Vince McMahon to have Hornswoggle as a son. That makes me laugh. Thank you, Hornswoggle, for making my job easier. I have stated many, many times that I love it when people do the dirty work for me. Since Hornswoggle has already stained the legacy of Vince McMahon, that's less work I have to do.

But I'll continue on, anyways.

Vince has the horrible habit of thinking wonderful things about himself. That's conceited, Vince. Shame on you. I love how he assumes that he's great. I could tell him what happens when he assumes, but then that would imply that he's making an ass out of me as well as him. When Vince assumes, he just makes an ass out of himself. People don't chant his name in sold out arenas. The fans chant "EDGE" in sold out arenas, and the arenas are sold out because people paid to see _me_ and chant my name. That's glorious. Everyone hates Vince. They don't even love to hate him. They love to hate me, though. They just wish that Vince would fall off the face of the earth, and I'll be the one to push him. That would be fun. I'd even dress up like an astronaut just for added effect. You know what? I think I'm going to photoshop a picture of me pushing Vince off the face of the earth and leak it onto the internet. I bet that it would be the most downloaded picture on the internet. It would beat all those pornographic websites. Since I'm on it, even though I'd be fully clothed, it's like porn for men and women! Why? Because I'm that damn sexy. Word. And I love how Vince thinks he's oblivious to media attacks. It's just like those WWE rejects, VKM. Well, they _were_ a part of DX, so I suppose I'll have to excuse their idiocy. Vince was totally clueless to the fact that they were making fun of him. **V**incent **K**ennedy** M**cMahon...duh. Even Eugene got that.

Don't get all excited, Edgeheads. That's the closest I'll ever get to bashing those stupid TNA stars.

Vince did not revolutionize the WWE. Hell, I've done more revolutionizing than he ever has. I'll make a list.

One: ladder matches – Duh.

Two: SmackDown – Yeah, people pretty much watch that because of me. Vince rarely even makes an appearance on SmackDown. And he takes over RAW. When Vince is on the television, people _wish_ that it was Friday night so they can watch me pwn Batista some more.

Three: entrance theme – I can honestly say that my entrance theme is the greatest thing ever.

Oh, the list goes on and on, but I don't have all day to sit here and talk about myself. Well, I do, but I also enjoy making fun of Vince. Great, now I'm sounding like a profile from eharmony or something. "Hi, I'm Edge, and I like..." Ew. That's it, after Vince's "list," I'm making him a dating profile.

One: being a homosexual deviant

Two: fucking imaginary creatures

I swear, JK Rowling basically could have put Vince into one of her Harry Potter books. For those of you that don't know, I love Harry Potter. If you don't like it, then you are an idiot, but I knew that already. Vince could be like one of those creatures in the Forbidden Forest or something. He's created many creatures himself, such as Hornswoggle.

Okay, here is Vince's dating profile:

Name: Vincent Kennedy McMahon

Age: Old enough to be Father Time's great-grandfather

Likes: talking about rotten fruit, counting money that I didn't earn, fucking ugly chicks, dudes, and non-humanoids, getting wedgies...

Okay, I can't continue. That shit was ridiculous.

I'm out of breath from ranting about my boss. This just proves how awesome I am. I can sit here and make fun of him, but he knows that I'm such a power player that he can't afford to fire me.

I love myself.

I'm out, Edgeheads. Don't miss me too much.

**A/N: Writing this chapter made me smile.**

**Anyways, a lot of you wanted this chapter, and you got it.**

**Review.**


	40. Copying Bitches

**A/N: This is a chapter to let out my anger on these...IMBECILES that they allow to run around on this website. I was in the middle of an update for "A Rock and a Hard Place" when one of my friends notified me of a clear cut copy and paste.**

**They are unoriginal.**

**There are TWO ripoffs of this on here...One, I must say, makes more sense than the other.**

**The stupid one ripped off my profile. AND not only was it a ripoff of this story, it was also a ripoff of another story. What the hell? BE ORIGINAL PEOPLE! The stupid person also copied and pasted earlier portions of this story in another one of her stories. Fuck you.**

**When I started this story, it was because no one else had done this before. And now everyone wants it? The ripoffs aren't even that good.**

**Okay, Edge time.**

This is why Edge doesn't read the shit pieces of work that you so called "fans" create. Don't worry, I'll get on the asses of the rest of the non-fiction reading and writing fans. You assholes are already here, so it's just easier for me. I've stated many times before that I like it when dorkchops make my work easier, but I will not thank you. You've gone too far. You've ripped off Edge.

I don't appreciate exact quotes taken from me without recognition. That's called "plagiarism." Say it with me now. "Play-jar-is-im." Fuck heads. Now I have to teach you how to enunciate? Go to Canada. Get a proper education. Hell, you guys probably got kicked out of school for plagiarism. Dumb fucks.

You assholes are lucky that I don't have my minions flame your asses on my command. _Edge_ is original. You are not. _I _am awesome. You copying morons are not.

I can't _wait_ until you fuckbags attempt to bash _me_ in your stories. I will unleash hell.

I've been talking to my friend who just happens to be an author on this site on AIM lately. Yes, Edge talks on AIM. Want my screen name? TOO FUCKING BAD! You don't _deserve_ my screen name! Well they said that I should look on the positive side and say that I've inspired you thieves. My response? I'VE INSPIRED YOU TO WRITE CRAP!

Oh, and I have two or three little fuck buddies in another story on here. They are bitches. You don't want to cross me, or you will feel their wrath.

No one cares about the opinions of you authors on here. That's what your profile is for. People care about _my _opinion, however. I'm funny. You just suck.

Now I'm out of breath _again_. I blame you jerkoffs. If I die of exhaustion, I'm blaming you chumps. See what you're doing to me? Do you _really_ want Edge to die? You fuckers are cruel. You could go to jail for murder as well as plagiarism.

I'm going to continue on with the rest of the WWE fans.

Why do you say that I suck? I clearly don't. If I sucked, then I wouldn't be the World Heavyweight Champion. Only the best are the champions. I don't mean the past champions. I mean the current ones, me and Orton. Okay, I still hate Orton, but he's way better than Cena. Thank fucking god.

Just because I'm smarter than you jerks doesn't mean that you have to defend yourselves the only way that you know how, and that is by yelling false ideas at me to try and make you losers feel better about yourselves.

Don't even try to say that you hate me. You all cheered your little asses of when I beat Cena after New Year's Revolution when I cashed in Money in the Bank. While watching that new RAW DVD, you all cheered when I pinned RVD after Cena gave him a weak ass F-U and then I speared Cena. I won the title that day, bitches. You guys are so fucking bipolar. One day, you hate me. The next, you love me. And then you hate me again. DECIDE! I already know that I hate you. That will never change. Consistency is a good thing. You should learn that. I am consistent. Not only do I always hate you, but I always reek of awesomeness, and I also am always smarter than you.

But I'm already smarter by default. You idiots like DX.

I'm not going to waste my breath on you fuckers anymore. I'm done. After this, we will then resume the normal bashing schedule, unless you piss me off again.

**A/N: Sorry if "I" offended anyone with this chapter. I'm angry. I hope you can understand why. If none of this would have happened, then this chapter would not have been written.**

**Very few of you are the ones pissing me off. I love almost all of you. The few that are pissing me off are doing such obscene things. Fuck off, rats.**

**Review.**


	41. Overcooked Hot Dog

**A/N: I can't think of a proper author's note. Damn.**

What's up, Edgeheads? Edge is back and ringing in the New Year, Rated-R Superstar style. I'll start my New Year's bashings with one of your favorite pathetic Diva's, Torrie Wilson.

Torrie Wilson should just simply date Batista. They are like both child molesters. Torrie Wilson, first of all, married Billy Kidman. Gross. Anyways, now after she divorced him, she's dating one of the old Spirit Squad members. She's like thirty-something and he's like twelve. That's illegal. I bet she slept with the cops so they wouldn't arrest her. Wow, the WWE locker room seems to be full of child molesters.

For the record, I do not find children attractive.

How about I start on how hot you numb skulls think Torrie is? She's ugly. She looks horrible as a bottle blonde. She has so much bleach in there that pretty soon she's going to look like Vince at Wrestlemania 23. Actually, I think she might look better that way. Wait, her horrible hair did always distract me from her face and body.

Seriously, she looks like a fucking bug. I have no idea how she got to pose for Playboy...twice. I mean, weren't the lawsuits from geriatric old men enough from the first time she posed? They all keeled over and died from seeing that horrible bitch published in the pages of a magazine, yet they had to put her in again. Okay, the population is only really a problem in China, so Torrie Wilson is not a good form of population control here. Heck, I guess Torrie could market herself as a good form of birth control. She's killing off all the men so they can't spread their demon seeds. Trojan might have to file a lawsuit against her then. There will be a severe decrease in condom sales.

She really is disgusting and old. I think she looks like an overcooked hot dog. Not a grilled hot dog, though, a boiled one. She spends so much time in the tanning bed that she has about the same color skin. Her body is so old and saggy that when she tosses her hip out to the side, her skin folds over itself and then her skin resembles that of an overcooked hot dog. It's disgusting. She should not be a Diva. Hell, by the way her body's looking now, she could be Ric Flair's twin sister. They already have the same colored hair.

I still don't understand how she got to be a Playboy Bunny. I'll never get over it. She's so nasty that they might as well put _me_ on the cover of that damn magazine. Wait, that would get them more money. I know that men buy it, but at least I'd be going into it knowing that unlike Shawn Michaels...and then men that "read" Playboy aren't gay. They'd just be looking at me wishing they could be like me. I'm like a fucking Adonis. I'd be the ultimate for what a man could be. It would be great. _And _since I'd be on the cover, I'd get unrestricted access to the grotto, meaning I can fuck all of the Playboy girls that are actually hot.

Moving on...

No, wait. I'm done. I'll just go on thinking about how awesome I am now. Goodbye, hood rats.

**A/N: I feel better now.**

**Review.**


	42. Jonathan Doucheman

**A/N: Apparently, I'm on a heel rampage right now. Time for more Edge. I just updated my Kennedy (Kennedy) story. Read that. I like it.**

Jonathan Coachman is a heel's dream. A bad guy, like myself, can get him to do whatever the fuck they want. He's so ass whipped, which is in now way a reference to Santino Marella's poor use of the Canadian language, by Vince McMahon. It's pathetic. Jonathan Coachman needs to grow some fucking balls and stand up for himself.

I hate how he runs around in his little suits as if he was a professional. Remember when Vince peed on him? Yeah, Coach's ugly suits definitely got what they deserved. I think I should buy a television slot on Canadian public access and run an episode of "Pimp My Coachman." Edge knows fashion. I'd make him look cool. Wait, I hate Coach. I'll dress him up in a giant chicken costume and tell him that yellow feathers are all the rage this season. Coach is such a dumbass, he won't know the difference. That thought makes me all warm and tingly inside, just like hitting Matt Hardy with a ladder does.

I love how Coach thinks he has such great mic skills. I'll battle rap him anytime, and I mean like a Christian battle rap since Christian is awesome. I wish he was still here. If he was still in WWE instead of that shit hole known as TNA, he would be the only one that I wouldn't be making fun of. Okay, that's not entirely true. I might call him a dorkchop once or twice. Hell, he'd probably be joining me in the bashings. Can you imagine that? Okay, back to Jonathan Douche-man. He talks all slow like a retard. He really has nothing good to say. He takes whatever stupid message Vince has him relay to us and makes it painful to listen to. Good job, Douche-man.

Jonathan Coachman looks like a lonely librarian. If you need me to explain, then you suck.

Oh, I'm going to ruin the SmackDown surprise for you! Well, you know how JBL left my show? So, they pretty much need a new color commentator to talk about how awesome I am. Guess who it is? You guys haven't seen it yet since it didn't air but…

IT'S JONATHAN FUCKING COACHMAN!

And no one asked me if it was okay if he _invaded_ my show like that. I guess it's a good thing for ol' Douche-man. He's forced to talk about how awesome I am. I love it when everyone talks about Edge being great. It makes everyone happy. The fans cannot get enough of Edge. It's true. Prove me wrong. Don't give me crap about that Sign Guy, either. His signs suck.

Jonathan Coachman is a worthless being in the WWE, therefore he deserves no more of my time.

Peace out, dickwads.

**A/N: Thanks, Dom.**

**Review.**


	43. Extremely Crappy Wrestlers

**A/N: Once again, Edge is running wild in my head. This is a dangerous thing…**

**ECW time. For Chic of Extreme.**

As you munchkins know, I don't _waste_ my time with ECW. I think it's pathetic, and a place for all of the retards to congregate and perform stupid circus acts for the enjoyment of six year olds with nothing better to do with their time on Tuesday nights. Read a book kids, preferably _my_ book, Adam Copeland on Edge.

I think I'll get at a couple of ECW guys right now. Since they're on ECW, it should be easy for me to pick fun at them.

_Balls Mahoney_

Yeah, he is definitely overcompensating for something that he doesn't have. If he doesn't have them, he can't compensate for them. That's just bad logic. Well, looking at Balls' hair, he clearly does lack in the logic department.

_Maybe_ a tongue ring would work for a hot chick, but it scares me on Balls Mahoney. I didn't think Kelly Kelly was into that sort of thing. Well, I don't _want_ to know what Kelly Kelly is into because she's disgusting. I do not praise Balls Mahoney for that. That makes him even worse.

Why would you want the fans yelling such obscenities at you when you enter the ring? To make it worse, it's to the beat of his weak ass entrance theme. I don't think he showers. He wears the same thing every week. Ew. They say opposites attract, so I guess I should set him up with Douche-man. Well, Douche-man does like to get peed on, so maybe he is right up Balls' alley.

_Boogeyman_

No, you aren't coming to get me. If anything, _you're_ the one that's afraid of _me._

I'm pretty sure that the Boogeyman likes sucking on a _different_ kind of worm, if you get my drift.

I think they need to bring Little Boogey back. At least he was good for some laughs. Big Boogey just puts me to sleep. He's overdone now. And I don't like talking about him, so I'll move on.

_Kevin Thorn_

Excuse me? Did you just say Kevin Thorn? Um, yeah. Po-ser. Right when his little skank left, he changed his look! I didn't change a damn bit after Lita left. That's because I am too cool to change. If I changed, the world would weep little sad emo tears.

I'd rather he have stayed a "vampire." Wait, he wasn't even a vampire. He didn't suck any blood. Kevin Thorn was just so antisocial that he pretended to be a creepy ass vampire to scare people so they wouldn't talk to him. That's horrible. If you plan on kicking ass, you need to network with your victims. If you don't have charisma, then you suck. Look at John Cena.

Yeah, Kevin Thorn definitely needs to grow his hair back out. With this short cut, he looks like an even gayer and uglier version of Randy Orton with a beard. That, my Edgeheads, is never a good thing.

Who the fuck would join the New Breed? That's career tainting enough. I don't think I need to go any further on him.

_Stevie Richards_

You haven't shown me. And no, I haven't seen.

What grown man wants to be called "Stevie?" That's the name of that kid from Blues Clues, right? I watched that show when I was drunk once, so I could be wrong. Man, I have to tell you how hard I partied that night. Lita and I got so drunk that we were up until six in the morning, and the only channel that came in on the hotel television was some kids crap. I remember a lot of orange…

What has Stevie Richards done lately? I'll tell you. NOTHING. I'm surprised I even remember who this guy is! Ridiculous. He needs to go back to the _old_ ECW for _old_ people.

I hate ECW. I'm done.

**A/N: I don't watch ECW very often. Last time I watched it, I saw Kelly Kelly so I turned if off.**

**Review.**


	44. The Beast and the Fag

**A/N: Okay, so from now on, I'm most likely combining people into the same chapter. There aren't any good people left.**

**And if you didn't know, the second "Razor's Edge" is up. It's called "Razor's Edge: The Christian Chronicles." Yeah, that's right.**

Victoria and Kenny? And you people think that Vickie and I are revolting? Please. Yeah, Victoria is older than Kenny, and Vickie is older than me. But, there are two main differences as to why you all should be more disgusted with the relationship between Kenny and Victoria than you are with mine and Vickie's.

One: The ramifications of the relationship.

I'm only with Vickie to get what I want. Wait, I got it already. Now, I'm only keeping her so I can keep the title. It's kind of a package deal. If I want the title, I need to keep Vickie. If I don't, then _she_ will send the stupid Undertaker and the child molesting Batista after me. Yeah, I'd rather keep sucking face with the hag. Kenny and Victoria, on the other hand, actually _like_ each other. Isn't that a little more disgusting than Vickie and myself? I mean, I guess that I could understand if Victoria was hot, but she's a guy. No, she's more like a teenage boy because she's just one step below Beth Phoenix. That's disgusting. Maybe Victoria and Batista should set up a child molesting project together.

That brings me perfectly to my next point.

Two: The age difference.

Vickie is thirty-nine. I know she looks about fifty, but she's only thirty nine. I am thirty-six. I know I only look about twenty-three, but I don't age. That is only a difference of three years if you do your math correctly, but I'm guessing that you didn't. I wouldn't expect any less of you, to be honest. Anyways, I did my research. Young Kenny is only a mere twenty-one years old. How old is Victoria, you ask? She's the same age as I am! That is a fifteen year difference! That's like Michael Jackson child molestation! It's absurd! It's uncalled for! What's worse, it's happening on _my_ show. I know Coach is into that kind of thing...that's probably why he jumped ship to SmackDown.

No, don't argue with me about Mickie James and Kenny. I told you before, she is a lesbian. Hell, Dykstra might as well be gay if he's boning Victoria. I've said it before, she's pretty much a dude. If that's what Kenny is into, then "props" to him, I guess, for scoring some. I, however, prefer _real_ women.

Vickie doesn't count. She's just business.

**A/N: Yay! Remember, read my other "Razor's Edge" story.**

**Review.**


	45. SmackDown's Number One Rejects

**A/N: It's funny...of course they're going to target one of the more popular stories on here...**

**Due to popular request, Mr. Noble will be in here.**

It appears as if I only have rejects left to rant on! Hooray for me! Where's my damn kazoo?

Clearly, RAW has more losers than SmackDown does. I make up for those losers just by being on that show, though. They are graced with my perfection and it dawns upon them like the first light snowfall of winter that frosts the houses like fresh powdered sugar.

Enough nice crap. I'm talking about the dolts on my show. They're lucky that they are on my show, or else they would be worse than they already are.

_Jesse and Festus_

Excuse me while I spit out the water I'm about to sip on. Okay, Jesse looks like Shannon Moore's more hick like and less emo brother. Festus looks like...I don't know what Festus looks like, and that's a good thing. Oh yeah, he was that fake Kane impostor from forever ago. Put that fucking mask back on.

What is he, a one of those Pavlov's dogs? Classical conditioning my ass. There is no way in hell that a human would turn to a beast just because he heard a bell. He is not a demolition machine or whatever it is he's being called. I'll kick his ass. _Please_ let me get in the ring with that freak. I'll spear that stupid look right off of his face before the bell rings.

Jesse? Well, I think I'd rather listen to Festus talk. Jesse always looks like he needs to fucking pee whenever he talks. He gets so excited. What for? I think he just likes standing next to Festus. I need to get those images out of my head now.

_Jamie Noble_

Yes! I love Jamie Noble for the pure fact that he is more stupid than he realizes. I don't _really_ love Jamie Noble. I've made it clear plenty of times that I am not a homosexual. He's so fun to watch because he fucks up all the time. I love watching him get shot down. And his date with Michelle McCool was priceless!

Why would you refer to yourself as the "Pitbull?" No! A man cannot refer to himself as a bitch like that. That's what Cena does, dude.

Jamie Noble got beat by HORNSWOGGLE about how many times? That's embarrassing enough. I don't need to go on any further.

_Funaki_

So, now that Taijiri is gone, we still have another Japanese fool running around? What does he do now? Since SmackDown decided to hire a bunch of stupid Divas with no mic skills to interview the wrestlers, Funaki's been shit out of luck. No, you are no longer "SmackDown's number one announcer." You were a good announcer when John Cena was still rapping. Fool.

I don't think you had your visa with you last time I saw you. I could get you deported for that. It's not like you have a reason to stay now that the Cruiserweight Championship has been vacated.

_Gregory Helms_

He needs to go back to being The Hurricane. It was at least amusing for me to watch.

The new Gregory Helms puts me to fucking sleep.

I love how he turned all ghetto fabulous when he ditched the superhero costume. He came out in do rags or however you spell those. What the hell? Why would you want that pantyhose on your head? Wait, you hang out with the Hardys and Shannon Moore outside of the ring. I forgot. My bad. I mean, I can understand why you would try to hide that fact on SmackDown, but you have fallen victim to the technological age. Myspace and youtube are not safe havens for things you want kept secret, ol' Greggie.

Green was your color, man. You look kind of gay in that purple thing. I think that the homosexuality factor multiplies with the fact that your finisher is called the Shining Wizard. Um, Dumbledore is gay, remember? Dumbledore wore a lot of purple, too. Sensing a theme?

That's it. I need to go read some Harry Potter now to refresh my mind.

**A/N: I don't have a lot of people left, so I'm not quite sure how many more chapters there are going to be...**

**Review.**


	46. Oh, Look, More Rejects

**A/N: Fuck you, you fucking ass clown. Are you an idiot? Have you not read my disclaimers? For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, I got a "flame" for Mickie James' chapter. I love Mickie James. I even have the disclaimer saying that she's my favorite. Clearly, some jerks don't read. And they totally missed the point of this story. **_**Edge**_** is the one freaking out. I just write it.**

I was highly disappointed with RAW Roulette on Monday. I should've gone on there and made it better. What was this Hardcore Holly crap? He looked a bit _too happy_ to be playing dress up.

_Charlie Haas_

"World's Greatest Tag Team?" How about…no. Edge and Christian make up the world's greatest tag team.

Where did that mask come on Monday? Is he trying to be a rip-off Rey Mysterio? Please. Why would you want to insult your career like that? Yeah, it was only for one night, but just one night can taint your career. Can you say "Undertaker at Survivor Series?" Yeah, you can thank me for that shit.

Who in their right mind would marry Jackie? Um, no. She's disgusting. After she went to TNA, I hear she's pregnant. I really hope I don't have to see their child. Can you imagine what their child would look like? He looks like a German Borat and she looks like a haggard bitch. No wait, she _is_ a haggard bitch. Good luck, Charlie.

What kind of name is Charlie anyways? It's a ridiculous name that belongs to a five year old that plays with blocks in his spare time.

_Carlito_

Out of all of the horrible hairstyles in the WWE (Randy Orton, Santino Marella), we have Car-fucking-lito.

Yeah, it was bad when it was really long to begin with. It got worse when he cut it. I never thought that a lack of shitty hair would be worse than an abundance of shitty hair. Look at Randy Orton. It really looks like a lawn mower attacked his head.

Why did you stay, Carlito? You were going downhill so quickly. You just don't let that type of momentum go. Now you have a shitty partner.

Oh, and you looked like Mike Brady with that Hardcore Holly wig on. You should think about keeping it. That glued on wig made you slightly more tolerable.

_Jimmy Wang Yang_

An Asian cowboy? I think that JBL might have been right on this one, and JBL is _never_ right.

This is like his second or third stint in the WWE. Remember Akio? Well, meet Akio, alias of Jimmy Wang Yang.

I look better in cowboy hats. I don't have stupid tag team partners. I win more matches. I actually _won_ tag team championships. I'm not a cruiserweight. The fans pay to see _me_.

I'm tired. Edge needs to take a nap.

**A/N: Yeah, read author's notes, dumb fucks.**

**Review.**


	47. The Samoan Child Eater

**A/N: I had just uploaded a new story, and then I realized something.**

**I have yet to bash UMAGA! How could I forget? I hate that guy!**

**I was going to do Michelle McCool and Lena Yada, but this is more fun. I hate Umaga.**

There's not much to say about Umaga, but that's only because he doesn't do anything except imitate Melina in the ring. No, you fools, I'm not talking about her shitty ring entrance. I'm talking about the primal yell. Did you honestly think that Umaga just did it for fun? Did you think that he did it to intimidate his opponents? Did you think that he does it to scare children? No. Melina was there first. Clearly, Umaga copped that shit.

Umaga needs better ring attire. What happened to that damn hula skirt he used to wear down to the ring? At least it was slightly entertaining to see some fat guy in a hula skirt, but now that's just horrible. And he needs to take his face off of his wrestling tights. He shouldn't even be wearing tights. He should be wearing a strait jacket. Either that or I could just put a blanket over him. That works, too.

I think it's pretty shameful to have your nine month winning streak broken by John Cena. Need I say more?

Does Umaga think he's a gangster? I mean, he does have those corn rows or dreadlocks or whatever…and he does wear war paint.

What kind of finisher is the Samoan Spike? In the bedroom, my finisher is the Canadian Spike, but that's another story. But like Umaga wraps up his spike, I have to do the same. Sorry, I forgot there were stupid children reading.

Not only did this guy lose to John Cena, but he lost his Intercontinental Championship to the joke himself, Santino Marella. Of course, Armando would probably blame that on interference by Bobby Lashley. Yeah, that may be true, but at least _I'd_ be able to fight him off. After all, I _did_ beat John Cena for the WWE Championship. Bobby Lashley didn't.

Umaga and Khali probably have child sacrifice ceremonies in Armando's basement. Oh, did I mention that Armando and Ranjin live together? Okay, maybe that's not true but it damn sure is funny.

That brings me onto Armando. Where did he go? One day, he's the General Manager of ECW. Okay, "General Manager" is kind of a generous term. He's more like the zookeeper. No, he's more like that guy that cleans the toilets at the amusement park. Yeah, that's it. You know why? Because ECW is full of shit. If you don't believe me, then watch it yourself. Just don't come crying to me when you die of boredom.

One good thing about Armando is that he must keep himself very well hydrated. He sweats like he's got enough in his system. He really does get sweaty pits all the time. Hasn't that guy heard of deodorant? Well, based on the stench of Umaga, I guess not. Also, if he wasn't well hydrated, he wouldn't have enough saliva in his mouth to spit all the time. And his throat would be dry so he couldn't hold out his name for that long. I swear, he's worse than Mr. Kennedy.

Armando likes to suck on cigars. That needs no explanation.

I think I can smell Umaga coming now. I need to go puke…

**A/N: I forgot to mention that I got (gasp!) another flame! And it was from the same loser as before.**

**Seriously, get a more original idea than "Insert wrestler here's Bitch." But I must thank you for the cheap laughs.**

**Anyways…review.**


	48. Eating Disorders Waiting to Happen

**A/N: I keep forgetting that I still have to mess with John Cena.**

**Edge is grinning right now.**

There's still more useless trash running around that I haven't bashed yet? Come on! This is ridiculous! And I can't believe that two of them are on SmackDown. Hasn't the WWE realized that they need to dial Lita? Hell, even Trish would do some justice, but that's only because she's Canadian.

That brings me to Michelle McCool. I am shocked that she got her own series of vignettes showing her skating around and doing other mundane activities. Watching _me_ do that stuff would be more interesting. Didn't you see the vignette of me and Vickie? That video was only brilliant because _I _was in it. And how come she's called the All-American Girl? Um, I thought that American Girl was a series of ugly dolls that are way too expensive. Well, Michelle McCool is like an ugly prostitute that probably charges way too much, so I guess there's a slight similarity. Come on, WWE. Run me a series of vignettes called the All-Canadian Boy. That would rock harder than Alter Bridge.

I bet all of her students failed her class. And I bet it wasn't because they were staring at her. Okay, that was probably it. They were staring at how hideously nasty she is. Did you know she used to be anorexic? Yeah! And she also worked for _Cosmopolitan_. I guess she was the fashion consultant. That makes me laugh. She is so gross!

And she got her ass DUMPED by Chuck Palumbo! That kind of behavior makes me laugh. And now she got demoted to Jamie Noble. I think that's fantastic.

Who is Lena Yada? That sounds like some sort of Yoda demon child. Why is she here? Hell, why are _any_ of the Divas here anymore? Lita would Litacanrana her ass so hardcore and I would laugh. I bet she won't even wrestle. Hell, Anastacia lasted about a month. I give Lena two, and that's being generous.

She didn't win the Diva Search for a _reason_. No one even likes the current winner. Why would they sign another useless girl? Do they _like_ wasting money?

Oh, Maria…Where do I start on Maria? One, she's a dumbass. Two, she's a dumbass that can't wrestle. Three, she's a dumbass that can't wrestle and turned Playboy down. Four, she's a dumbass that can't wrestle and turned Playboy down but now all of a sudden changed her mind.

I'm sorry, but seeing Torrie Wilson, Christie Hemme, Candice Michelle, and Ashley on the cover of Playboy was bad enough. I'm glad I'm on SmackDown this time around so I don't have to see the unveiling of the cover.

Remember when she called Chris Masters "The Masturbate" instead of "The Masterpiece?" I didn't know she could even pronounce "masturbate," let alone know the word. She then proceeded to sing the theme song of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Are you kidding me? Who watches that crap?

Maria needs to stop shimmying her nonexistent tits when she hops up on the turnbuckle. It's repulsing. No one likes that. She also needs to wear more clothes. There is only one person in the WWE sexy enough to wear less clothing, and that is _me_.

I am so glad that none of these girls are from Canada. I would be embarrassed for my country if I shared the same Canadian blood as them. God, Christian would be terrified…

Those dorkchops.

Can I bash Cena yet?

No?

I _still_ have more losers to make fun of?

Fuck.

**A/N: Review.**


	49. Disco Ball

**A/N: I love you guys.**

**Spiffers, I don't know which order you're reading my updates, but I started that kayfabe story for you.**

Shelton Benjamin makes me giggle. No, giggle is an understatement. Shelton Benjamin makes me laugh my ass off until I cry and urinate myself. Don't believe me? Then I'm pretty sure that you don't know who Shelton Benjamin is.

First off, he teamed with Charlie Haas. Why? They were _so_ a rip-off of Christian and myself. Okay, maybe not, but they definitely committed slander on themselves. They called themselves the World's Greatest Tag Team, and that simply isn't true.

Did Shelton Benjamin win a tag team championship with Hulk Hogan? I didn't think so.

And about that hair…WHY SHELTON? WHY? You are not _meant_ to be a blonde! That was the worst thing you could have done to yourself. I honestly think that you've taken a few too many bumps to the head to even consider doing that. You look like a freaking disco ball now. Hell, you look like you're wearing Jericho's pants on your head. You know, like you just took a square of fabric and glued it to your skull.

Shelton does not look like Sisquo. Okay, he _does_ but that would be an insult to the musical artist.

I think that's the reason he got demoted to ECW. His hair made him look like a retard, and Armando Alejandro Estrada decided that Shelton would make an exquisite attraction to his retard circus.

Who wears a dragon on their trunks? Does he think he's some Chinese fire breather? Or is he just telling us subconsciously that he has bad breath? I'll choose to believe the latter, thanks.

The T-Bone Suplex? Jesus, he sounds like he's going to be feeding a dog with that or something. He probably taunts his opponents before he does it. "Here Fido! I'm going to give you the T-Bone now!" Loser. That's why he never wins any matches.

I hate Shelton, but I hate CM Punk more. Yes, I did make that ECW appearance last week, but that's because I fucking rock. I'm boycotting ECW until Shelton wins the ECW Championship so I can Spear the smug out of him during his pathetic "celebration."

Next.

**A/N: Short, I know, but I only wanted to do Shelton.**

**By the way, I **_**am**_** boycotting until Shelton wins. I love Shelton.**

**Review.**


	50. The Downfall of Society

**A/N: Yawn. I just did inventory on this story. I have twenty-three people left to bash, but it will definitely be in fewer than twenty-three chapters. I'm thinking about just shoving them into one small group and one large group, and then doing Cena. I don't know yet.**

Everyone wishes they could make fun of their bosses. I can.

Don't you wish you were me?

Of course you do. Everyone does.

I'm going to rip on the rest of the McMahon's right now. Don't worry, faithful Edgeheads. I won't get in trouble. They can't risk firing me. If they did, they might have to bring Golden Boy Cena back earlier than expected. They'll have to drag him away from his wife, though.

I'm glad he finally found a woman to put up with his shit. Granted, I still think she's an alien, but thinking about all the heartbroken girls that hate me makes me smile. I'd laugh in their faces if given the chance.

I'll start on the so-called Billion Dollar Princess, Stephanie McMahon.

I swear, the only way a woman would marry Triple H is if she was intoxicated. Good job, H. That was such an Edge move. Too bad she's ugly.

I can't believe she was a wrestler. _And_ she held the WWE Women's Championship. Her daddy probably paid off all of her opponents to let her win. She can't win on her own. After all, she isn't me.

I love how she just ramparts around backstage like she owns the place. Sorry to break it to you sweetie, but your dad owns the place. Don't come up to me like you know me. You don't even think you know me. Yes, rejects, that was a play on my entrance. Assholes. See what you do to me, Steph? You make me take out all my aggressions on the Edge faithful. At least more people like me than like you.

After Vince "died," you deserve an Oscar for that performance. Those were some of the fakest tears ever pulled off. I'll give you credit, though. You only pretended to care because you didn't want everyone to think you blew up his limo so you could get some money. Trust me, I know about faking it. I am "dating" Vickie Guerrero, and I am the _master_ of deception.

You're kind of built like a guy. Are you sure that Beth Phoenix wasn't your dad's illegitimate bastard son? I mean daughter?

Oh, Linda. You evil, evil wench.

Okay, you're really not that evil. I never see you anymore. I think the last time we saw you was…I can't even remember!

Wasn't it when Vince blew up to the holy heavens? Maybe. I do remember that you didn't show up for the family portrait. What a nice wife you are, Linda. Your husband actually tries to do something nice for once, and you totally screw him over, and not in the preferred way.

I'm sorry, but I laughed when Stone Cold Stunned your ass.

Shane…Shane "O' Mac." What a lame nickname you got there, sir. "Rated-R Superstar" totally pwns that shit to hell.

I do give you credit for walking out on your dad after ol' Tripsy pulled out all of those old hags. You _do_ realize that one of them could be your mother, right? You really don't look like Linda that much.

Your dance sucks. I don't dance, like, ever, but I could still break dance circles around you. Hell, I did pull off that Edge-aroonie that one time. I don't want to see the "Shane-aroonie." You might kill someone with your lack of coordination.

Here comes the money? What money? You don't have any money. Your parents might, but you don't.

Do you still think you're cool for jumping off the Titantron? LAME! I've pulled off more crazy stunts in one insane night in a cheap motel room with a stripper than you have in your entire pathetic life. My credentials include spearing Mick Foley through a burning table, spearing Jeff Hardy midair, and pretty much just being freaking hot. I don't care that you pulled off one little thing. That's nothing, just like you are nothing.

When Vince is gone, I'd sure as hell like to see these three try to live.

They might as well just name me the Chairman of the WWE. We would definitely make more money then. Not to mention, we'd pull in a whole new reign of female fans because I am that damn sexy.

**A/N: I actually kind of like the McMahon's, especially Steph.**

**Review.**


	51. The Bowels of ECW

**A/N: I thought for sure I'd have more McMahon reviews.**

**Oh well.**

**These are all of the ECW guys that I didn't do yet.**

Since I don't want to talk about ECW any longer, and add the fact that I don't think you deserve to hear me talk for much longer, I'll finish off that weak ass brand…now.

_Elijah Burke_

This kid is such a Booker T wannabe. Do I need to explain that any further?

I still can't believe that his finisher is called "The Elijah Express." Again, horrible alliteration. Honestly, I think I need to hold a seminar entitled "Edge's Poetry Lessons 101." You fuckers need them. I don't call the spear "The Edge Express." Hell, that's a fantastic name! I bet "The Edge Express" would definitely get more riders than Elijah's poor version. Of course, I only let ladies on my train, while Elijah only accepts male customers. What a disgrace.

"The Elijah Experience?" Um…no. Haven't you learned from the failure of the New Breed to never do something that stupid ever again? I'm definitely going to have to market "The Edge Experience." It shall be a paysite and it will be amazing, full of hockey and Canadian shenanigans.

_Matt Striker_

You may be Matt Striker, but you certainly aren't my teacher. The only thing you've taught me is how _not_ to dress. Fucking argyle wrestling trunk…Do you model straight from Mr. Rogers' closet?

We all know you stuff your trunks, dude.

Okay, so you dress straight from Mr. Rogers' closet, which we all know you've come out of, by the way, but you clearly model your hair after Donald Trump. Since when did you get a comb over, dude? That's horrible. Of course, I know all about good hair. I mean, look at my hair. It's perfect.

Why would you manage that fatass? Do you like seeing his boobies jiggling around like that? I bet that turns you on, you sick bastard.

_Mike Knox_

You haven't been on television in like…forever. Why haven't you been released yet? Not like you do anything.

Oh, who dates Kelly Kelly?

_Nunzio_

Colin Delaney gets more air time than you do. That is a disgrace in itself.

I guess it's cool that he is proud of his heritage, but let's face it. Italy has _nothing_ on good old Canada.

_Tommy Dreamer_

Okay, this guy is an original, and I can live with that, I suppose.

It would be a lot easier to live with if he didn't suck.

Congrats, Tommy. You are not the Innovator of Violence. You are the Innovator of Suck.

Stop wearing stupid t-shirts. All he wears is like the random pay per view shirts. That's kind of…sad.

Now I never have to talk about ECW ever again, unless it's making fun of some other loser.

Bon voyage, retard circus!

**A/N: One more chapter for the rest of RAW.**

**One more for the rest of SmackDown.**

**And then…**

**John Cena.**

**  
Review.**


	52. Really Annoying Wrestlers

**A/N: I got flamed again.**

**I must admit, it was the worst flame ever.**

**You know what? I'm doing recommended reading. This is for Katilyn. Okay, this is what I want you guys to do. Search under tragedy and completed fics. There's one called "john cenas secret pain" (yes, just like that). It is the funniest thing I've ever read in my life. Then go read their other story. It is…pathetic.**

I'm going to save my show for last. Since tonight was the debut of WWEHD on RAW, we'll take a gander at the rest of those dorkchops.

_DH Smith_

I remember when he got suspended for steroids like two or three weeks into his WWE career.

Way to make an impact.

Yay! We have yet _another_ little Randy Orton wannabe! They're all coming in here because of their little daddies. First Cody Rhodes and now this. What a shame. McDonalds sure is losing out on model employees.

DH…does that stand for "Dick Head?" I think it just might. And now, I was not making any John Morrison/CM Punk argument references. Wait, I think he was still Nitro then. Oh well. I'll toss his ass into the Palace of Wisdom. Shit, I'm not supposed to be talking about ECW anymore.

Fuck.

_Drew McIntyre_

Ah, yet another loser condemned to Heat hell forever.

That is the stuff that makes me laugh. He'll never be like Edge, I mean me. See, I'm so brilliant that sometimes I forget that I am who I am.

Then again, he was trained by Dave Taylor. That explains it all. I wouldn't expect anything more from that kid.

_Hacksaw Jim Duggan_

This man looks like he needs a good HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to fuck.

He can't have Lita. She isn't a ho.

He won the first Royal Rumble. This is like the twenty-first Royal Rumble on Sunday. I think that means it's time to retire. He can take Ric Flair with him.

I hate how he carries that wood around. He's overcompensating. The only wood that large in the WWE locker room is in my pants.

Scratch that. The wood in my pants makes Duggan's two by four look like a toothpick.

_Jillian Hall_

I want to put a bag over her head for two reasons.

One, she can't sing. Maybe that will stifle her voice a bit.

Two, she's haggard as fuck. I think she looked better with that mole on her face.

That might have been the only good thing the Boogeyman has ever done.

_The Highlanders_

Yeah…

They just got their asses kicked by Finlay and Hornswoggle. I think that's punishment enough.

But they totally stole Vito's gimmick. You know, the whole dress wearing thing. Don't give me shit about it being their heritage or anything like that. I know better.

_Ron Simmons_

I've got two words for Ron Simmons, and neither of them are "suck," "it," or "damn."

They are "fuck you."

That is the cheapest pop ever! Talk about lack of charisma.

Plus, he teamed up with JBL. That's horrible.

_Super Crazy_

You are not super, but you are crazy. Super crazy, in fact.

You really should have been wearing your helmet when you were a part of the Mexicools. You were operating a moving vehicle with no head protection. I could get a cop to write you up a ticket for that monstrosity. I'm just thinking of the safety of everyone. I don't want to see any cracked skulls.

Well, I _do_, but I want to be the one that cracks them.

_Val Venis_

I don't care that he was a former porn star. It was probably gay porn.

My ring name used to be Sexton Hardcastle, for crying out loud! _That's_ freaking hot.

I think we need to spray whoever catches his towel with insecticide. We need to kill those crabs before they spread. My hair is too precious to be infested with those…things.

_William Regal_

Ha.

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahaha!

Oh, Regal…

How I want him to botch my name so badly…

Triple "Haitche."

"You-main-ga."

I can't continue with that. I got it!

"Hedge."

I might laugh in his face.

I love how he thinks he's doing stuff properly. Come on, Regal, we all know you had Lashley and Big Show stashed behind the curtain. They might have gotten "Haitche" out of the Rumble, but you took it upon yourself to get your own ass kicked.

I must say, though, that his use of foreign objects is quite original. I'm just waiting for him to pick up Hornswoggle and swing him around like a baseball bat. I think if he did that, he could have beaten "Haitche." Then again, I think "Hatiche" and Hornswoggle have a soft spot for each other. I could be wrong, but I'm never wrong.

I'm done with RAW.

One more show to go, and then…

I take the holy hell out of John Cena.

**A/N: I might cry when this is over. It's so sad.**

**Review.**


	53. The End of the Road

**A/N: Yay for Edge.**

**I love him.**

**But you already knew that.**

Oh how the stars have aligned for the awesome Edgester. Guess what? On the day of this occasion, the crowning of a new ECW Champion, guess who is first on my victim list? That's right.

_Chavo Guerrero_

OOOO! CHAVO!

Nope. That sucks. Worst entrance theme ever, pretty much. It think that it would be more authentic if it was actually a guy squealing that.

He owes me so much for me helping him win. Hell, I _won_ that damn match for him. I did the same thing for Chavo Guerrero that I did for RVD.

Do you know what happened to RVD? I stole that WWE Championship back a month later. So, yeah, I'll probably do the same to Chavo. It's only natural.

And don't tell me you believed that "one big happy family" bit. That was pure bullshit, just like my relationship with his hag Aunt. They'll get theirs. Just you wait. I will pwn their asses and take over Tuesday nights completely.

I think I'll turn ECW into an hour long weekly segment of "The Cutting Edge." I think I'll have to either steal the Palace of Wisdom from Morrison, or I'll just egg it. I think the latter might be more fun for me.

Anyways, Chavo sucks and he totally needed my help tonight, that reekazoid.

_Deuce, Domino, and Cherry_

Douche. The pizza delivery boy. And Scary.

Douche looks like a total Danny Zuko rip-off from "Grease." Seriously.

Domino looks like a wannabe Fonzie from "Happy Days." Yeah, I would say that Douche really looks more like him, but Domino has the character down.

And Cherry is just…UGH! She looks like one of those creepy porcelain dolls that stare at you while you sleep. They should put a blanket over her head.

I hate that "OHHHHHH" thing that Domino does. Yeah, that's the sound I make while I cover my ears when he's talking. He hurts my eardrums, that fucker.

Cherry needs to wear a helmet. Well, I think all of that hairspray she uses might serve as some force field type of helmet, but it's not enough.

You know that poodle that's on her skirt? It kind of looks like her face.

_Chuck Palumbo_

No one should chase after Michelle McCool.

No one should lose to Jamie Noble three or four weeks in a row.

No one should ride cheap motorcycles down to the ring.

Remember when he was gay with Billy Gunn? Wait, that is still happening behind closed doors. I hear the rumors.

He needs a haircut. When I saw a picture of him from SmackDown, I honestly thought that Super Crazy had jumped the WWE border and went to SmackDown. That's scary. I mean I know Michelle McCool is desperate, but come on. No one is _that_ desperate.

_Dave Taylor_

One: He tagged with William Regal.

Two: He trained Drew McIntyre.

What's next? Is he going to reveal that he's Colin Delaney's father?

This guy just reeks of crap. It's not even funny.

Actually, yeah it is.

Since his only two associates went over to RAW, he's like…disappeared from the face of the earth.

Not that I'm complaining.

_Finlay_

Is he Hornswoggle's relative or something? Because that would mean that Finlay's related to Vince McMahon in a sick, sad, strange way. I mean, they _are_ always together lately. Haven't you noticed?

I don't care that your name is Finlay.

I don't care that you love to fight.

My name is Edge, and I love to fuck…

…up some people on all three shows.

I can't believe Finlay held the WWE United States Championship! He's not even from America!

Don't give me shit about not being from America. I'm from _North_ America, so it pretty much works. Besides, I'm cooler than the whole population of the United fucking States. Yeah, and I beat your little American hero, KURT ANGLE, for the United States Championship.

Bow down to me, bitches.

Wait, you already do.

I can't believe we're at the end of the road already.

Now I can relinquish all my hidden anger on John Cena.

Bring it on.

**A/N: This is so sad…**

**And ironic. The Cena chapter is number 54.**

**Review…**


	54. Edge's Final Stand and Most Hated Enemy

**A/N: Yes, it was pure irony.**

**Now I regret doing the Bobby Lashley chapter.**

**Oh well.**

**This is my final disclaimer that these are not entirely my true feelings. My guess is that everyone will miss the point of this final chapter since they don't read author's notes.**

**I still can't believe this is over…**

Yeah, this is the moment you've all been waiting for. I am about to unleash holy hell on John Cena.

I have half a mind just to tempt you all with the tantalizing _idea_ of me bashing Cena. And then I want to pull the carpet out from underneath you all and end it right here and now.

But Edge is a giving individual. How would it look if I just hyped it up for fifty-three chapters and never delivered?

Edge _always_ delivers.

I'll start on his "rap" "career."

Yeah, those words are in separate quotations. That's because they are stupid for different reasons. One, he doesn't rap. He just talks really fast and his "sentences" just happen to rhyme. John Cena is a poser, for sure. I don't pretend to be anything that I'm not. This brings me back to a day when I was on RAW. I may be Canadian, but I am no bigot like John Cena. And for the career part, he doesn't have a career in the rapping arts, if you could call it an art. Just because he has an album doesn't mean that it's any good. Seriously, John Cena is not a musician. To be a musician, you need to play instruments instead of hopping up and down, rapidly ranting about drugs and people that want to shoot you. What ever happened to good music? And since when does talking fast require you to wear excessively baggy clothing? There is no need for that. I am more of a musician than John Cena is. I've stated multiple times that I can play the guitar. I bet the most that Cena can do is bash on some pots and pans on the floor of his mother's kitchen like a two year old. I bet since he can break our eardrums with metal smashing, he thinks he can pursue other musical endeavors. Psh.

John Cena should be neither rapper nor wrestler. With his fast talking skills, he should be an auctioneer.

John Cena's winning streak disturbs me. He is such a little lap dog of Vince's. Vince pretty much lets him run the WWE now. No wonder we're losing so many traditional fans. You know, the traditional fans much prefer _me_ to John Cena. They're the smart ones, and they're all in Canada. Vince, there is no way in hell that someone would win that many times in a row and overcome so many odds. John Cena is the worst underdog in history. I swear, he's more annoying than Rey Mysterio.

I guess it would help if he could actually wrestle. That's unfortunate. First of all, this is World _Wrestling_ Entertainment. I think Cena just fills that last part, even though he only entertains young children and fat chicks. He puts the rest of us to sleep with his "power" moves and "charisma."

John Cena is about as charismatic as a toilet. John Cena lives in a toilet, too, considering that he's a piece of crap.

He really can't wrestle. Picking up people and slamming them down does not constitute as wrestling talent. What happened to hip tosses? Oh, wait…that's how he injured himself. Or was it an arm drag? I don't know. What happened to hurricanranas, moonsaults, corkscrews, chops…oh, the list goes on.

This is a match involving John Cena, which he of course wins.

One: Punch.

Two: Kick.

Three: Maybe a clothesline.

Four: Five Knuckle Shuffle.

Five: F-U.

Seriously, the F-U is the most boring finisher ever. I still don't understand how WWE Magazine listed it as the greatest finisher in wrestling history. What? No, that is horrendously incorrect. My spear pwns the shit out of the F-U.

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard this song where a guy repeatedly says that he's going to put someone to bed. What, are they tucking someone in at night and checking the closet for monsters? Well, that's what the F-U reminds me of. It looks like he's picking up some three year old and tucking them in at night before they go to sleep.

Randy Orton only knows like eight moves, two of them being a headlock and the RKO, and he still knows more moves than John Cena.

I hate that "you can't see me" thing. Yeah, John, I _can_ see you. If I couldn't see you, then I wouldn't be able to see you waving your steroid infested hand in front of your ugly face claiming that I can't see you. If I couldn't see you, then that wouldn't be a taunt. Since I _can_ see you, that is considered a taunt. I am dubbing it the worst taunt in wrestling history. I don't give a damn what WWE Magazine has to say about it. They only like printing posters of you, anyways.

And they wonder why magazine sales are so low.

I don't know what happened to John Cena. He was incredibly more bearable when he was constantly rapping.

Although, I was incessantly pissed off when he decided to battle rap Captain Charisma. At least Christian has charisma, unlike John Cena. Besides, Christian totally won me over when he said "Canada in the house." Damn straight.

West Newbury? The second part of that city name sounds like a suburb full of old people that like to play croquet in their perfectly groomed backyards. I think Cena just tossed the west in front of there to make it sound more "gangster."

I've been to that town before. Remember when I slapped his dad? It really was a polluted cesspool. And you wonder why John Cena is so disgusting.

I'm not even going to talk about the Toronto Blue Jays, so I'll talk about hockey, since that is my forte. Yeah, the Toronto Maple Leafs have won thirteen Stanley Cups. The stupid Boston Bruins, what a horrible name by the way, have only one five. My lovely team has won eight more championships than his nasty team.

John Cena is a three time WWE Champion. I'm only a two time WWE Champion, but my credentials totally make John Cena's little title reigns look like crap. Not only am I a two time WWE Champion, but I'm a two time World Heavyweight Champion, a title that John Cena has yet to disgrace. That's not to mention the tag titles, Intercontinental, and United States Championship reigns. Yes, I understand that John Cena was a former United States Champion. Then again, he lost it to Carlito. And he was a World Tag Team Champion. That doesn't count because Shawn Michaels totally carried that team. But I suppose that the current World Tag Team Champions are a slight step up from John Cena, but not a very large step. Only slight.

I remember a promo from Backlash 2007. Randy Orton was supposedly hitting on John Cena, who denied the Legend Killer's advances. Yeah, Cena totally wanted to. He just didn't want to disappoint the fan girls. But they're all just waiting for it to happen. Those two are all the little ones thing about anymore.

You know what? I'm glad that Cena got married, engaged, whatever. Not only does it break the hearts of all the fan girls, which makes me laugh, but now someone else can bear the pain we all feel. She's not even cute, so I will definitely not be trying to steal her from him.

His movie? Oh, lord. I think _The Marine_ is crap. It was a horrible movie. The only reason that it was slightly successful was because all the fan girls ran out to the theatres to see it. They were all like, "Oh my god, Sally! Let's go see _The Marine_! John Cena will be like thirty feet on the screen!" Yeah, because we really need super sized Cena. I mean, he's already Superman.

His costar was ugly as hell. She was so butch. My small role in _Highlander: Endgame_ totally kills John Cena's whole "feature" film. Of course Cena ended up saving his wife. He saves everyone. Duh.

And I love how his character's name was John. They only use that for idiot actors that won't respond to their casted names.

I can't believe he's doing another film. Guess what? The plot is exactly the same as _The Marine_. His girlfriend gets kidnapped and he has to save her. Shocker! Not. Well, I suppose that makes sense. His WWE storylines are always the same, so why not his movies?

I bet in his third movie, he'll be a firefighter. Someone will kidnap his woman and stick her in a burning building. In the fourth movie, some gangsters will kidnap her and he'll have to save her from their lair because he's a cop. The possibilities are endless, but all oh so repetitive and boring.

I guess that WWE Films got that whole "saving the lady" idea from his WWE storylines. Whenever one of the Divas is in trouble, the crowd chants for him to save her. Why him?

You know, whenever Lita was in trouble, they never chanted for me to save her.

The pinnacle of my career was cashing in my Money in the Bank at New Year's Revolution after Cena _shockingly_ survived the Elimination Chamber match. I laughed and partied so hard that night. The crowd chanted for me that night.

And then…I thoroughly enjoyed spearing him through a table at One Night Stand. Even though I didn't win the title that night, at least I got it off of him. I ended up with the title anyways like a month later.

You see? I'm much smarter and sneakier than Cena. That meat head would never think of such devious plots. That's why I am so freaking rad and Cena just sucks.

I always get upset when the WWE confiscates anti-Cena signs, but they let the anti-Edge ones run free. I don't get that. If people hate Cena, let them! If you don't believe that they do that, bring a "Cena is a disgrace" sign to the next live event you go to that Cena is most likely headlining. It happens.

Wait, I forgot. Cena is out.

And so am I.

I hope you enjoyed listening to me talk. I know you did, so don't even deny it.

And you Edge haters can get to stepping…off a cliff.

This is my fond farewell.

My last words are this:

_I am awesome_.

…And Cena is not.

**A/N: That is it. That is the end.**

**My heart is broken now. I feel so empty.**

**This is the longest chapter at five pages.**

**And I know I'm going to get like a zillion flames.**

**Bring them on.**

**I did have a sequel before, but I didn't like it.**

**Review.**


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